It's Christmas day and I woke up this morning with quite a good mood. I have been feeling quite bored the last few days since I have very few human contact. But I am not depressed at all like last year. I have learnt to handle my life much better now. I am actually quite upset with myself because I am supposed to be studying but I have just been wasting time watching television and surfing the net. I just want to talk to someone and get rid of the feeling of boredom. So I texted mum last night to ask anyone at home is free to online and chat with me.
Mum replied this morning saying that they are not free to chat because they will be going to Singapore to visit my second aunt - zhi gou (papa's second elder sister) who was in coma. She had been suffering from leukemia since the beginning of this year. The prognosis wasn't good at all. But the best thing had been that pa's bone marrow type matches hers completely. The doctor said bone marrow transplant offered the best chance of a cure, eventhough the probability of success was only something like less than 50%. In the end, she did not undergo the marrow transplant. She had undergone a series of chemotherapy and had became quite ill and brittle, physically and emotionally. I have to say that I feel sad that I haven't actually seen her at all ever since she was starting her battle over cancer.
And now she is gone. She has passed away peacefully a few hours ago. The next time I'll be seeing her in the cemetary. I'm sad that she's passed away, but at the same time I'm feel relieved for her that the battle and suffering is over. I have known her to be someone really cheerful and upbeat all my life. I am not very close to her as she lives in Singapore but she's the person you want to talk to because the way she talks to you just makes you feel really comfortable. O yes, I love her. She always buy us (My sisters and I) loads of sweetees when we meet. I know that zhi gou has strong faith with Jesus. So I hope she now rests in peace under God's safe hands.
Monday, December 25
Friday, November 10
Tired... but I shall not be streesed
Stress comes from what we perceive, it's all in our mind.
Yet, I'll be lying if I tell you that I'm not stressed out. Perhaps not really stressed, but certainly quite tired. I've been having a few crazy weeks working non stop.
Firstly, Neuroscience is simply too interesting for be that I don't mind forgoing my sleep just to study it. Other medics will call that self inflicted trouble. It's just like solving math questions: Symptoms usually would tell you where the lesion is and what kind of consequences do you expect. But again, as in math, you'll have to learn the basic formula/theories first before proceeding on to problem solving. In this case, the basics include the anatomy (most important)and physiology of brain and spinal cord. I am really looking forward to the day I finally finish studying the whole brain and start solving problems - so excited!!!!!
I have to admit that I've been spending relative large amount of time on extra-curricular activities. On monday evening, I attend Judo lesson, I travel to Hope Hospital for Reache on Wednesday and attend Buddhism society talk on Thursday evening. I've also been really busy organizing the After School Club induction day (which went really well-loads of positive comments especially on organisation), making arrangement for volunteers' CRB check and liaisoning with volunteers, parents and Greenheys management. While these are certainly invaluable experiences for me and I enjoy every moment of them, they are quite demanding on my time and energy. At this very moment, I can feel my head spinning.
I went to the Manchester Museum today to discuss about yet another work I've volunteered for. The job involves cataloging collections of insects. I told Dr Dmitri that I'm afraid of living insects and don't really like them. Then he took a frame out from a cabinet and showed me these really really beautiful moths. They looked like butterflies and one was blue, another purplish and last one pink. They all glowed, and that's not because of pigmentation but it is a rendation formed by the thousands of scales on the wings which creates an optic illusionary effects. That was really fascinating, I immediately decided that I really want to see more of those and the dislike/pseudophobia towards insects vanished almost immediately.
I wanted to write about my PBL session today but decided that I better not because it's bound to be long-winded. All I have to say is that Prof Tomlinson was mean to me today to the point that I was at the verge of tears (while still pretending to laugh). But I still enjoyed the session very much.
The thing about PBL and these extra-curricular activities are that I enjoy them so much that I often get euphoria as an after effect. The after effect can sometimes last for days! Especially because of the fact that I work hard on PBL and for After School Club, people get really impressed from what I've done and that becomes a strong positive reinforcement for me = double/triple euphoria! When I'm in the state of euphoria, I cannot concentrate on doing proper stuff like studying. I'll have to find a solution for that soon, or else I'll lag behind in PBL...
So now I better get back to neuroscience right now. I'm doing something I really enjoy, and therefore I shouldn't be stressed. I'm not stressed, and shall not be stressed.
Yet, I'll be lying if I tell you that I'm not stressed out. Perhaps not really stressed, but certainly quite tired. I've been having a few crazy weeks working non stop.
Firstly, Neuroscience is simply too interesting for be that I don't mind forgoing my sleep just to study it. Other medics will call that self inflicted trouble. It's just like solving math questions: Symptoms usually would tell you where the lesion is and what kind of consequences do you expect. But again, as in math, you'll have to learn the basic formula/theories first before proceeding on to problem solving. In this case, the basics include the anatomy (most important)and physiology of brain and spinal cord. I am really looking forward to the day I finally finish studying the whole brain and start solving problems - so excited!!!!!
I have to admit that I've been spending relative large amount of time on extra-curricular activities. On monday evening, I attend Judo lesson, I travel to Hope Hospital for Reache on Wednesday and attend Buddhism society talk on Thursday evening. I've also been really busy organizing the After School Club induction day (which went really well-loads of positive comments especially on organisation), making arrangement for volunteers' CRB check and liaisoning with volunteers, parents and Greenheys management. While these are certainly invaluable experiences for me and I enjoy every moment of them, they are quite demanding on my time and energy. At this very moment, I can feel my head spinning.
I went to the Manchester Museum today to discuss about yet another work I've volunteered for. The job involves cataloging collections of insects. I told Dr Dmitri that I'm afraid of living insects and don't really like them. Then he took a frame out from a cabinet and showed me these really really beautiful moths. They looked like butterflies and one was blue, another purplish and last one pink. They all glowed, and that's not because of pigmentation but it is a rendation formed by the thousands of scales on the wings which creates an optic illusionary effects. That was really fascinating, I immediately decided that I really want to see more of those and the dislike/pseudophobia towards insects vanished almost immediately.
I wanted to write about my PBL session today but decided that I better not because it's bound to be long-winded. All I have to say is that Prof Tomlinson was mean to me today to the point that I was at the verge of tears (while still pretending to laugh). But I still enjoyed the session very much.
The thing about PBL and these extra-curricular activities are that I enjoy them so much that I often get euphoria as an after effect. The after effect can sometimes last for days! Especially because of the fact that I work hard on PBL and for After School Club, people get really impressed from what I've done and that becomes a strong positive reinforcement for me = double/triple euphoria! When I'm in the state of euphoria, I cannot concentrate on doing proper stuff like studying. I'll have to find a solution for that soon, or else I'll lag behind in PBL...
So now I better get back to neuroscience right now. I'm doing something I really enjoy, and therefore I shouldn't be stressed. I'm not stressed, and shall not be stressed.
Tuesday, October 17
Work
Today's been really enjoyable. We studied the skull in dissection and I thought I was going to be so blur during the session. I spent a while (about 1.5 hr) before dissection going through the human anatomy atlas in the library. So at the end the memorisation paid off. I kind of know almost everything on the skull already. Test me if you want. AH..... I love the sense of satisfaction of knowing something that's universally known to be difficult.
This week had been quite a crazy week for me. I haven't wasted a single minute of my weekend amd yet I've only managed to tick off 1 out of the 14 learning objectives to be due for the PBL discussion tomorrow. What am I going to do??? This case's just mad! We literally have to study the whole brain in 4 days. I really really love the neuro challenge, but I think it has gone past the threshold for me to keep motivated. Now I just feel like going to bed and who cares if I screw up in PBL tomorrow. I just feel pointless rushing through 13 learning objectives in less that 12 hours. I think I shall just sleep for like 2/3 hours and see if I'll wake up feeling more enthusiastic.
This week had been quite a crazy week for me. I haven't wasted a single minute of my weekend amd yet I've only managed to tick off 1 out of the 14 learning objectives to be due for the PBL discussion tomorrow. What am I going to do??? This case's just mad! We literally have to study the whole brain in 4 days. I really really love the neuro challenge, but I think it has gone past the threshold for me to keep motivated. Now I just feel like going to bed and who cares if I screw up in PBL tomorrow. I just feel pointless rushing through 13 learning objectives in less that 12 hours. I think I shall just sleep for like 2/3 hours and see if I'll wake up feeling more enthusiastic.
Sunday, October 15
The legendary girls schools
I went to a secondary school which accepted only girls throughout its 109 years history since its beginning in 1893. But in the first year I left, they started admitting boys. Two years from now, yet another century old school which my sister went to, Kuen Cheng Girls School, will start to enrol boys. As a former student who attended its primary school (SJK(C) Kuen Cheng 1), I feel sad to learn the decision. I often wonder whether or not these changes are just inevitable.
Studying in an all girls school has been a really unique experience for me. While the school can be constantly filled with bitching and gossiping, we've also managed to cultivate some traditions rarely seen in co-ed school. I really missed those days when we screamed out loud in extremely high pitch breaking our throats (and other people's eardrums) for little things like getting into the semifinals of choral speaking competition. Girls are also really fond of crying over little things. I remembered Ai Ming, who was one of the toughest person I've ever seen, cried a few days before our form 5 sports day while captaining the Maclay house because of the pressure. Sports days are the best. We somehow always managed to come up with good cheers which rhyme well, making every single spectators get into the sporting spirit. I had never had a boring sports day. I admit that guys can be real jokers at times but we girls had our own jokes about guys. I recalled having laughed every single day in school during my fifth form and that's just really fun.
One thing I really need to give credit to my secondary school is the boost in self confidence I get. I would never be who I am today without BBGS/SMKSBU. A girls school gives girls the opportunity to do great things without the help of guys, and that's really important. In college especially, girls would always be excluded from important leadership role and physically demanding tasks. That kind of annoyed me because I believe both gender should have equal opportunity to undertake important responsibilities as well sa carrying all kinds of tasks, physically demanding or not.
It is true that I had some problem dealing with guys when I study in higher education institution, but that's because I rarely have the chance to interact with the opposite sex. I don't go for tuition and the only guy in my family is my father. Not many people have such unique circumstances right? Furthermore dealing with guys is not an incredibly difficult skill to learn. It took me only a few weeks to get used to talking to guys.
Long live all girls schools!
Studying in an all girls school has been a really unique experience for me. While the school can be constantly filled with bitching and gossiping, we've also managed to cultivate some traditions rarely seen in co-ed school. I really missed those days when we screamed out loud in extremely high pitch breaking our throats (and other people's eardrums) for little things like getting into the semifinals of choral speaking competition. Girls are also really fond of crying over little things. I remembered Ai Ming, who was one of the toughest person I've ever seen, cried a few days before our form 5 sports day while captaining the Maclay house because of the pressure. Sports days are the best. We somehow always managed to come up with good cheers which rhyme well, making every single spectators get into the sporting spirit. I had never had a boring sports day. I admit that guys can be real jokers at times but we girls had our own jokes about guys. I recalled having laughed every single day in school during my fifth form and that's just really fun.
One thing I really need to give credit to my secondary school is the boost in self confidence I get. I would never be who I am today without BBGS/SMKSBU. A girls school gives girls the opportunity to do great things without the help of guys, and that's really important. In college especially, girls would always be excluded from important leadership role and physically demanding tasks. That kind of annoyed me because I believe both gender should have equal opportunity to undertake important responsibilities as well sa carrying all kinds of tasks, physically demanding or not.
It is true that I had some problem dealing with guys when I study in higher education institution, but that's because I rarely have the chance to interact with the opposite sex. I don't go for tuition and the only guy in my family is my father. Not many people have such unique circumstances right? Furthermore dealing with guys is not an incredibly difficult skill to learn. It took me only a few weeks to get used to talking to guys.
Long live all girls schools!
Wednesday, October 11
The Manchester transportation system
Before I first arrived in the UK, mummy always tell me that the UK transportation system is so reliable that you can put your life to it. After spending a year here, I beg to differ. To be fair, most of the time it's ok, but when something goes wrong, I tend to be really really frustrated.
My first time being failed by the system was during my second GP visit in my first year. I went to the train station an hour ahead of the time but two trains to my destination were cancelled, leaving me about 20 minutes late for my first meeting with a patient.
And today another nonsense come by. I waited at the Failsworth station for a train to Manchester for almost an hour and a half only to be told by a fellow waiting passenger who called the rail enquiry that there's no train running because of technical fault. We were asked to use the bus replacement service instead. Fine. I thought this was bad enough. I waited for the bus for almost half an hour, then I saw a train leaving the platform! The train was up and running again and I missed it. I went up to the platform again and waited for at least another half an hour for the next train. And I've wasted at least 2 hours today because of this rubbish. To add on to my frustration. I wasn't in such a good state today. I had to wake up at 7am today for a HeartStart volunteering, endured 2 hours of car travel to and from the school, then brace through the rain to get to Failsworth Health Centre in Oldham then face this nonsense. I've been through all these with just a handful of cereal chucked into my mouth early in the morning and a cup a hot chocolate courtesy of the health centre in my belly. In the train station, I watched the rain stops and gets heavy and stops and gets heavy again. I was freezing and my feet really hurt because I was wearing a new shoes.
So to sum up, this is one of the low days that I had and I just want to vent my frustration towards the Manchester transportation system.
My first time being failed by the system was during my second GP visit in my first year. I went to the train station an hour ahead of the time but two trains to my destination were cancelled, leaving me about 20 minutes late for my first meeting with a patient.
And today another nonsense come by. I waited at the Failsworth station for a train to Manchester for almost an hour and a half only to be told by a fellow waiting passenger who called the rail enquiry that there's no train running because of technical fault. We were asked to use the bus replacement service instead. Fine. I thought this was bad enough. I waited for the bus for almost half an hour, then I saw a train leaving the platform! The train was up and running again and I missed it. I went up to the platform again and waited for at least another half an hour for the next train. And I've wasted at least 2 hours today because of this rubbish. To add on to my frustration. I wasn't in such a good state today. I had to wake up at 7am today for a HeartStart volunteering, endured 2 hours of car travel to and from the school, then brace through the rain to get to Failsworth Health Centre in Oldham then face this nonsense. I've been through all these with just a handful of cereal chucked into my mouth early in the morning and a cup a hot chocolate courtesy of the health centre in my belly. In the train station, I watched the rain stops and gets heavy and stops and gets heavy again. I was freezing and my feet really hurt because I was wearing a new shoes.
So to sum up, this is one of the low days that I had and I just want to vent my frustration towards the Manchester transportation system.
Saturday, October 7
Interesting week!
As it was rightly predicted by Shakirah (thanks for the comment by the way), I managed to sort out my PBL work before the PBL discussion session on Tuesday. I did not sleep for the whole night before to finish the PBL work... well I haven't actually finish them but I've done quite a reasonable amount. Tuesday's PBL discussion was rather interesting as well. My tutor Tomlinson sat beside me instead of his usual place right in front to 'make me feel nice'. I've probably said this before but I have to say it again - he's really one helpful tutor. He really knows the sciences well. Even I get corrected when talking about pharmacology stuff (which has never happened for the previous two semester as I'm the Queen of pharmacology). I really enjoyed having him in the group.
Wednesday's lab practical was the most interesting yet. We injected each other with local anaesthetic. I received four jabs from my partner while I gave him a jab. It was really fun! After the practical everyone was talking about it and proudly showing off their scars!
I'm also attending a training for a job as a stop smoking adviser. I hope everything goes on smoothly and I'll be able to actually do it unlike the Apex nursing thing. On Thursday night, I went to a Buddhist society talk. Met a few people and overall it was quite good and I'll definitely do for it again whenever I'm available. Yesterday morning, I went to the Manchester Blood Service centre to donate by blood. I have also consented to join the bone marrow register. And after that, I still can't believe it but I actually spent 6 hours in the library! Got quite a bit of neuroanatomy done.
Wednesday's lab practical was the most interesting yet. We injected each other with local anaesthetic. I received four jabs from my partner while I gave him a jab. It was really fun! After the practical everyone was talking about it and proudly showing off their scars!
I'm also attending a training for a job as a stop smoking adviser. I hope everything goes on smoothly and I'll be able to actually do it unlike the Apex nursing thing. On Thursday night, I went to a Buddhist society talk. Met a few people and overall it was quite good and I'll definitely do for it again whenever I'm available. Yesterday morning, I went to the Manchester Blood Service centre to donate by blood. I have also consented to join the bone marrow register. And after that, I still can't believe it but I actually spent 6 hours in the library! Got quite a bit of neuroanatomy done.
Sunday, October 1
What do you do if you simply can't control yourself?
I meant to study. I really meant to. But I just couldn't do it. I don't know why. I get distracted so easily. So up to this moment, I haven't done anything for my PBL. I had just wasted my entire weekend.
I have to admit that I began with a bad start this term. I felt more organized last term (or was it only the end of last term?... whatever) . I have covered most of the learning objectives for case 1. But just for the record, I still haven't done 1. the nature of joint and 2. the psychosocial bit. That's quite an awful lot of reading to do. And now we are in the middle of second case already.
O dear. I have yet to start even one learning objective for case 2, not to mention the preparation for dissection and neuroanatomy that I am suppose to prepare this weekend. I feel like kicking myself. So any good suggestion for me?
I have to admit that I began with a bad start this term. I felt more organized last term (or was it only the end of last term?... whatever) . I have covered most of the learning objectives for case 1. But just for the record, I still haven't done 1. the nature of joint and 2. the psychosocial bit. That's quite an awful lot of reading to do. And now we are in the middle of second case already.
O dear. I have yet to start even one learning objective for case 2, not to mention the preparation for dissection and neuroanatomy that I am suppose to prepare this weekend. I feel like kicking myself. So any good suggestion for me?
Wednesday, September 27
Euphoria
I'm in such a state of euphoria that I can't sleep. The Buddha said that we should not always have big fluctuation in mood, but I think I deserve this one.
I had to make a presentation for about 3 minutes during the Medsin Explained session yesterday. Medsin, as I've probably said it for 1000 times in the freshers fair, is the Medical Student Internation Network that looks after different projects and campaign internationally, nationally and locally. The After School Club which I am coordinating this year is one of the projects under Medsin and I had to make a presentation to recruit new volunteers for the club.
You have no idea how nervous I was before I went to speak. There were at least 100 people in the lecture theatre which can actually fit 200 people. My hands were so cold. I was almost shivering already while waiting for my turn to speak. I have never made any presentation in front of so many people (esp mat salleh) before. And I won't be given a microphone!
Then it was my turn. It was nerve wreaking for the first couple of seconds. My first words when I looked at the audience was 'This is overwhelming!'. Then everything went fine. Poeple laughed at my jokes. I even managed to come up with some spontaneous humour! At the end, I got a great applause, even some cheers from the audience (which no one else got). Everyone was just telling me that 'i think you were really good', and it was indeed fantastic to hear that. And at the end of the day, I managed to get a total of 60 people to sign up, that's triple the amount of volunteers that we had last year, which also means that we will be able to support an extra 40 Somali refugee children! All these while in the first year, I was just a passive volunteer. I have no idea that that it feels owesome to we get involved and actually make things happen ourselves.
The fact that I'm from Malaysia probably gave me a bit of advantage. I might even have inspired some international student to take on some more important roles in matsalleh dominated commitee such as this one. I told them that I would not be here talking had I not done this last year, which is partly true. I owe my current high level of confidence to all sorts of things, like PBL, the UMAP project, Heartstart, After School Club, Judo, Reache and the Medics in Primary School Scheme. Come to look at the list now, it was a bit too much that I did last year. But it didn't really affected my studies in anyway, unless you consider getting honours grade in all tests not good enough. In fact I think they do make me a better person. So, instead of wasting my life away shopping and sleeping, I've decided to carry on with my hectic schedule and do as much as I can for myself and others. As the Buddha said 'Don't be idle. A useful day full of intense effort is better than a hundred years of idleness and inactivity'.
I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the Medsin commitee for their support. They are one of the most friendly people I have ever met. Also, I would to give a special thank to Yusmin. She is certainly the best Medsin Vice-president for projects I can ever ask for. She is full of confidence and passion, and she are ever so nice to me. She had been really patient with my lack of confidence to speak especially during the Freshers fair and I have just never seen her support fade. So thanks for that. And to the other project leaders - Hannah, Ruth, Jan, Carolyn etc, it's been really nice talking to all of you.
Just to add to the sense of euphoria of this blog entry, I have just been back from Reache, and a poster explaining what the PLAN session do in Reache has been selected as one of the top ten posters out of about 490 in a Medical Education conference in Italy. I feel happy because I had been one of the students Ben (a final year medical student who created the poster) interviewed for this poster, and the fact that I've contributed for the success of almost every PLAN session except for the summer holiday and the exam week. So, congratulations Pip, Mick, Ben and all student volunteers and members of Reache.
I had to make a presentation for about 3 minutes during the Medsin Explained session yesterday. Medsin, as I've probably said it for 1000 times in the freshers fair, is the Medical Student Internation Network that looks after different projects and campaign internationally, nationally and locally. The After School Club which I am coordinating this year is one of the projects under Medsin and I had to make a presentation to recruit new volunteers for the club.
You have no idea how nervous I was before I went to speak. There were at least 100 people in the lecture theatre which can actually fit 200 people. My hands were so cold. I was almost shivering already while waiting for my turn to speak. I have never made any presentation in front of so many people (esp mat salleh) before. And I won't be given a microphone!
Then it was my turn. It was nerve wreaking for the first couple of seconds. My first words when I looked at the audience was 'This is overwhelming!'. Then everything went fine. Poeple laughed at my jokes. I even managed to come up with some spontaneous humour! At the end, I got a great applause, even some cheers from the audience (which no one else got). Everyone was just telling me that 'i think you were really good', and it was indeed fantastic to hear that. And at the end of the day, I managed to get a total of 60 people to sign up, that's triple the amount of volunteers that we had last year, which also means that we will be able to support an extra 40 Somali refugee children! All these while in the first year, I was just a passive volunteer. I have no idea that that it feels owesome to we get involved and actually make things happen ourselves.
The fact that I'm from Malaysia probably gave me a bit of advantage. I might even have inspired some international student to take on some more important roles in matsalleh dominated commitee such as this one. I told them that I would not be here talking had I not done this last year, which is partly true. I owe my current high level of confidence to all sorts of things, like PBL, the UMAP project, Heartstart, After School Club, Judo, Reache and the Medics in Primary School Scheme. Come to look at the list now, it was a bit too much that I did last year. But it didn't really affected my studies in anyway, unless you consider getting honours grade in all tests not good enough. In fact I think they do make me a better person. So, instead of wasting my life away shopping and sleeping, I've decided to carry on with my hectic schedule and do as much as I can for myself and others. As the Buddha said 'Don't be idle. A useful day full of intense effort is better than a hundred years of idleness and inactivity'.
I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the Medsin commitee for their support. They are one of the most friendly people I have ever met. Also, I would to give a special thank to Yusmin. She is certainly the best Medsin Vice-president for projects I can ever ask for. She is full of confidence and passion, and she are ever so nice to me. She had been really patient with my lack of confidence to speak especially during the Freshers fair and I have just never seen her support fade. So thanks for that. And to the other project leaders - Hannah, Ruth, Jan, Carolyn etc, it's been really nice talking to all of you.
Just to add to the sense of euphoria of this blog entry, I have just been back from Reache, and a poster explaining what the PLAN session do in Reache has been selected as one of the top ten posters out of about 490 in a Medical Education conference in Italy. I feel happy because I had been one of the students Ben (a final year medical student who created the poster) interviewed for this poster, and the fact that I've contributed for the success of almost every PLAN session except for the summer holiday and the exam week. So, congratulations Pip, Mick, Ben and all student volunteers and members of Reache.
Friday, September 22
Thursday, September 14
Flying to Manchester tomorrow morning
Yes. I had a fantastic three months holiday in KL, and now it's time to resume my studies in Manchester. Actually I feel a little funny because I know I have loads to do when I reach Manchester yet I can't really do anything now. I will be the coordinator for the After School Club for this new term but I still don't know if the club is allocated a stall during freshers fair (which I have applied for), so I can't ask for others' help. I've also volunteered to help out in the Medsin AGA but can't really do as I'm physically still in Malaysia while all the meetings obviously needs to take place in Manchester. Plus I wouldn't be able to get hold of an internet connection as easily as I could at home, so communicating by means of mobile phone will certainly cost me quite a bit.
O well, whatever it is, I have to say that I'm so looking forward to going back! I ate too much during the holiday and now it is time to lift my but and start losing those extra pounds!
O well, whatever it is, I have to say that I'm so looking forward to going back! I ate too much during the holiday and now it is time to lift my but and start losing those extra pounds!
Friday, June 9
Entropy
Entropy is high these few days. It's mainly due to the heat. Summer here is almost as hot as the Malaysian weather. Staying in the room could means that you'd literally be roasted because for some reason, the heater is still bloody working!!! I woke up at 5am last night and couldn't go back to bed as it was too warm. And because sun rises around 4am, people were up and making noises as early as 7:30am and won't stop until like 2am.
The mess in my room is also another major source of entropy. I need to pack up by Sunday as I have to travel to Watford to store my excess luggage there. You have no idea how much rubbish I have amassed over the 9 months time. I was shocked myself! Threw and gave away loads of stuff, yet the amount doesn't seem to be decreasing at all. I'll need some creativity to fit everything into one suitcase.
Other source of entropy: smell in my flat. I have one flatmate whom I suppose most of my other flatmate don't really like (including me). She's always full of herself. She's never interested in listening to other people. She just wants people to listening to things about her. About her super high IQ score, extended family, injuries from Rugby blablabla. She never wants to answer the phone call or doorbell - and when she does, she'd scream about it. We have a rota system of taking out rubbish from the kitchen - She's only took out the rubbish once but insisted that she's done it for three times. She's always dominating the television and basically have little or no friend. I don't think she even realises that she's actually pissing people off, which is a shame really. She's always testing my patiance but I still can tolarate... until now. She's the only person in the flat who doesn't clean up the dishes after eating. Her dirty dishes in the kitchen must be measuring at least 5m and 4 stacks in height, some of them already 5 month old, not to mention those dirty dishes of hers stacked in front of the TV. And now there are maggots on her dirty dishes and the decomposition really stinks the whole flat! She's just extremely lazy, pampered and undisciplined. Now I don't even want to go to the kitchen anymore. If I die of eating too much crisp it's Stephenie's fault!
The mess in my room is also another major source of entropy. I need to pack up by Sunday as I have to travel to Watford to store my excess luggage there. You have no idea how much rubbish I have amassed over the 9 months time. I was shocked myself! Threw and gave away loads of stuff, yet the amount doesn't seem to be decreasing at all. I'll need some creativity to fit everything into one suitcase.
Other source of entropy: smell in my flat. I have one flatmate whom I suppose most of my other flatmate don't really like (including me). She's always full of herself. She's never interested in listening to other people. She just wants people to listening to things about her. About her super high IQ score, extended family, injuries from Rugby blablabla. She never wants to answer the phone call or doorbell - and when she does, she'd scream about it. We have a rota system of taking out rubbish from the kitchen - She's only took out the rubbish once but insisted that she's done it for three times. She's always dominating the television and basically have little or no friend. I don't think she even realises that she's actually pissing people off, which is a shame really. She's always testing my patiance but I still can tolarate... until now. She's the only person in the flat who doesn't clean up the dishes after eating. Her dirty dishes in the kitchen must be measuring at least 5m and 4 stacks in height, some of them already 5 month old, not to mention those dirty dishes of hers stacked in front of the TV. And now there are maggots on her dirty dishes and the decomposition really stinks the whole flat! She's just extremely lazy, pampered and undisciplined. Now I don't even want to go to the kitchen anymore. If I die of eating too much crisp it's Stephenie's fault!
Sunday, June 4
Summer
Life after exams has been more boring than I thought. I finished Dean Kootnz's Life Expectancy in two days. Not really explosive but the plot was ok... a bit scarry reading it alone at 2am. The weather's been really really warm these few days and staying indoor is just like roasting yourself in the oven. Yesterday was the first time that I actually enjoyed the sunshine. I went for a barbeque in Pip and Mick's garden in Salford. It was good! I didn't really eat much (I'm a shy eater in public). Glad that my nasi goreng I made was finished. Talking to people was the biggest enjoyment. I talked to the refugee doctors that I've known through Reache and that I've not known. Also chatted with the neighbours who came, other few medical students who were there and some other doctors. I even met one of my communication skills tutor there. And of course, like I always do, I played with children. I also learnt some Rwanda and Iraqi traditional dance. It was really relaxing and can't describe it but I really had fun. And I have my first suntan in England after 5 hrs under the sun!
O yeah... I should mention about the tram ride as well. Yesterday I experienced the worst tram ride that I've ever had. There was a pre-world cup friendly match between England and Jamaica at Old Trafford (Manchester United's Stadium). It was horrendous. I waited at St Peter's square for four trams to Eccles before I could actually board. Every tram that came and gone was full and has absolutely got no room for anymore passenger. After the departure of the forth tram, I was just so fed up and promise myself that I'm going to get in no matter how full it is. And I did. I literally had to squeeze myself into the tram between people like a sponge. The tram ride itself, as you might have expect, is not pleasant at all. Even on my way back, people were just chanting, singing and swearing loadly in the tram... Don't feel comfortable at all. For that reason, I don't think I'll be betting on England this worldcup.
O yeah... I should mention about the tram ride as well. Yesterday I experienced the worst tram ride that I've ever had. There was a pre-world cup friendly match between England and Jamaica at Old Trafford (Manchester United's Stadium). It was horrendous. I waited at St Peter's square for four trams to Eccles before I could actually board. Every tram that came and gone was full and has absolutely got no room for anymore passenger. After the departure of the forth tram, I was just so fed up and promise myself that I'm going to get in no matter how full it is. And I did. I literally had to squeeze myself into the tram between people like a sponge. The tram ride itself, as you might have expect, is not pleasant at all. Even on my way back, people were just chanting, singing and swearing loadly in the tram... Don't feel comfortable at all. For that reason, I don't think I'll be betting on England this worldcup.
Wednesday, May 31
Exam is over
Exam = evil. Each time there's an exam, I'd start thinking that I don't want to be a doctor anymore. I'd have to live with that thought for another at least 15 times. I used to be much more resilient when I was in college. I do get upset over revising but motivation was always sky high. Now I've just lost everything. Can you believe that I only started serious revision on Monday (that was the day before my semester 2 paper)? People won't believe me because I always seemed to know my stuff in the weekly PBL discussion. O well, time to rethink the protrayal of my nerdy personality - very misleading.
Overall the exams went OK. For the progress test, as usual, I was more than ecstatic to know (or even heard of) about 4-5 questions as it was a test of knowledge to be learnt from year 1-5. OSCE was a bit upsetting. I screwed up the blood pressure and pulse station. It's actually not a big deal as it was only one of the nine stations and almost everyone that I spoke to said they did badly for that station as well. The thing that pissed me off is that I've put in so much effort practising blood pressure taking (I even invested in a sphygmomanometer) and still end up failing to show my competence (Silly me, I even cried when I came back to my room). The good news is that I know I've got full mark for at least 3 stations: Radiograph, handwashing and anatomy. The revision for semester 2 test was a bit of a nightmare. I didn't have the motivation to open the books at all. I've only managed to force myself to sit down and cramp things into my head the day before the paper. I thought the paper was ok, again with doubts here and there. But as I was telling Cheng, judging from the effort I put in, I don't really expect an honour grade again. I'd be more than happy with a pass.
So exam's over and done with. I meant to go to the medics end of year party last night but didn't in the end. It's because I just lost the mood when Cheng told me that Yee Leng's admitted into hospital because she has loads of big ulcers on her throat that she couldn't eat, drink, talk or hear properly. It just scared me. The A&E doctor's comment that the ulcers were 'not normal' just made my feel worse. I talked to Yee Leng today through the phone and she sounded OK. Hopefully it's just some stress-exaggerated infection. Eventhough Yee Leng's a bit annoying at times, I have to say that I do care for her as well as everyone else in my family and I want her to be alright.
I went to return some books in the Stopford library today. It was so heavy and that was only six books! There are nine more library books in my room that I need to return. Then I went to walk around at the city centre, got so bored and wander into the Manchester Art Gallery. It's a really nice place and it's really hard to describe how art can convey abstract things like feeling and atmosphere. Then this man from China came up to me and ask if I'm from China. So I was caught into the usual conversation about being from Malaysia and studying here in Manchester University. He actually told me that I looked 'ancient'. I'll let u interpret what it means coz I haven't got a clue.
After that, I went for a PLAN meeting in Reache, Hope Hospital. Another good session, learnt so much about the kidneys today. I was interviewed by Ken who is doing his fourth year project option to evaluate the weekly sessions. One of his questions was (unsurprisingly) why do I attend these weekly sessions. I said something about improving my communication skills and meeting people. Yet, ultimately I think my primary motivation is still to help people in need. Especially for refugees, what we are doing during these weekly sessions can really turn their life around and improve their quality of life, which I think is really a necessity for every human being. Another thing is that I feel really flattered having people praising about my good English. One of the many barrier these refugee doctors have to overcome is the proficiency in English and most spent three/four years just to pick up English. So naturally, many of them were surprised to learn that I have only set foot in England about 9 months ago judging from the standard of English that I speak. I think I do pick up a language rather quickly, but the main thing that allowed me to know how the proper spoken English works is Choral Speaking in form 4. It taught me things like long vowel and differentiating between the 't' and 'th' sounds. These are very fundamental but unfortunately grossly neglected in the education system. Thanks to my three months of grueling Choral Speaking training, not only that I can declare myself a national champion, I am also now able to express myself with confidence and even match the standard of the Mat Salleh's English.
Overall the exams went OK. For the progress test, as usual, I was more than ecstatic to know (or even heard of) about 4-5 questions as it was a test of knowledge to be learnt from year 1-5. OSCE was a bit upsetting. I screwed up the blood pressure and pulse station. It's actually not a big deal as it was only one of the nine stations and almost everyone that I spoke to said they did badly for that station as well. The thing that pissed me off is that I've put in so much effort practising blood pressure taking (I even invested in a sphygmomanometer) and still end up failing to show my competence (Silly me, I even cried when I came back to my room). The good news is that I know I've got full mark for at least 3 stations: Radiograph, handwashing and anatomy. The revision for semester 2 test was a bit of a nightmare. I didn't have the motivation to open the books at all. I've only managed to force myself to sit down and cramp things into my head the day before the paper. I thought the paper was ok, again with doubts here and there. But as I was telling Cheng, judging from the effort I put in, I don't really expect an honour grade again. I'd be more than happy with a pass.
So exam's over and done with. I meant to go to the medics end of year party last night but didn't in the end. It's because I just lost the mood when Cheng told me that Yee Leng's admitted into hospital because she has loads of big ulcers on her throat that she couldn't eat, drink, talk or hear properly. It just scared me. The A&E doctor's comment that the ulcers were 'not normal' just made my feel worse. I talked to Yee Leng today through the phone and she sounded OK. Hopefully it's just some stress-exaggerated infection. Eventhough Yee Leng's a bit annoying at times, I have to say that I do care for her as well as everyone else in my family and I want her to be alright.
I went to return some books in the Stopford library today. It was so heavy and that was only six books! There are nine more library books in my room that I need to return. Then I went to walk around at the city centre, got so bored and wander into the Manchester Art Gallery. It's a really nice place and it's really hard to describe how art can convey abstract things like feeling and atmosphere. Then this man from China came up to me and ask if I'm from China. So I was caught into the usual conversation about being from Malaysia and studying here in Manchester University. He actually told me that I looked 'ancient'. I'll let u interpret what it means coz I haven't got a clue.
After that, I went for a PLAN meeting in Reache, Hope Hospital. Another good session, learnt so much about the kidneys today. I was interviewed by Ken who is doing his fourth year project option to evaluate the weekly sessions. One of his questions was (unsurprisingly) why do I attend these weekly sessions. I said something about improving my communication skills and meeting people. Yet, ultimately I think my primary motivation is still to help people in need. Especially for refugees, what we are doing during these weekly sessions can really turn their life around and improve their quality of life, which I think is really a necessity for every human being. Another thing is that I feel really flattered having people praising about my good English. One of the many barrier these refugee doctors have to overcome is the proficiency in English and most spent three/four years just to pick up English. So naturally, many of them were surprised to learn that I have only set foot in England about 9 months ago judging from the standard of English that I speak. I think I do pick up a language rather quickly, but the main thing that allowed me to know how the proper spoken English works is Choral Speaking in form 4. It taught me things like long vowel and differentiating between the 't' and 'th' sounds. These are very fundamental but unfortunately grossly neglected in the education system. Thanks to my three months of grueling Choral Speaking training, not only that I can declare myself a national champion, I am also now able to express myself with confidence and even match the standard of the Mat Salleh's English.
Wednesday, May 10
Can't get my head around
I don't know why but I just can't keep focused. I really can't remember how many times have I told myself that I ought to revise the cases but I just end up lazying around the internet or wasting time. Now I haven't even started on the cases... Other people are studying so so so seriously now... Yet it just doesn't push me to do the same. That's why I'm getting quite worried right now, especially when the progress test will be on next on monday, which is 4 days away. I'm still wasting lots of time doing non-academic activities, like teaching year 9 CPR with HeartStart this morning and just came back from the TeddyBear Hospital thing. I'm now waiting for time to pass in the microlab until 4pm, which then I'll go to Hope Hospital for Reache by bus and tram. I tried going to the library but only to end up feeling restless.
I need good motivation. Hope that I'd find it at Reache later on, somehow.
I need good motivation. Hope that I'd find it at Reache later on, somehow.
Friday, May 5
Phew... It's finally weekend!
Today and the past two days had been one of the busiest and the most eventful days I've ever had. Hope this blog doesn't go too long... I know people don't like reading an extremely long entry.
Let's start off with Wednesday. Went to the dissection room first thing in the morning coz the dissection room's only open this week for people to look at prosection and revise. I was fine with the thorax bit coz I revised the night before, but just couldn't handle the upper limb at all. So I thought I'd go back and get the bones, muscles, vessels and nerve names right first. Around 1pm, I attended the Medical Assessment via Enquiry Based Learning project meeting (MAEBL) involving progress test practice question authoring. It was rather shocking to have only 2 first years and 3 second years out of about 30 who committed to the project. It's basically like an experiment which they run on medical student volunteer like myself to see if this method of learning helps to improve our progress test (PT) scores. I participated coz I think there's nothing to lose on my part. In fact, in every meeting, we get free drinks and sandwiches, which is really nice! The MAEBL meeting ended at about 3:10pm. I went to the library after that to stuff some names of the hand muscles into my head. Then at 4pm, I boarded a bus to Piccadilly Garden to catch another bus to Hope Hospital in Salford (an hour away) for another voluntary job. This time, with REACHE, I played the patient role with suspected angina. REACHE is an organisation to help refugee doctors requalify to practise in the UK, so sessions like this would definitely help them improve their communication skills in English. I had a really really good time there, and again, got free food! It ended at around 7pm. I took a tram back to Piccadilly Garden then took a bus to Fallowfield for my Judo training in Armitage sports centre. By the time I got back to my room at 10pm, I was absolutely worn-out, didn't even had the energy to eat. I went straight to bed after a shower.
Thursday was slightly better. Had lectures+PBL+Physiology lab skills OSCE practice from 9-3pm non-stop. That's quite draining I must admit. Not exactly helped by my own insistance of going to the dissection room again to get the hand muscles right. I went to the dissection room with Alistair and we both forgotten our gloves. So, guess what.... I touch the prosected bodies with my bare hands. Despite that, had been rather unproductive yesterday. I just hate the muscles on the forearms. Absolutely confusing. So after wasting an hour and a half in the dissecting room, I head to Sainsbury for some food shopping and head back to my home. Had a quick chat with papa and mama and of course wished Cheng 'Happy Birthday' slightly after 12 midnight Malaysian time. Couldn't talk to them for long coz I've got to rush off to Rusholme for yet another voluntary job, that is teaching the kids in the Somalian refugees community. Neither Sophie nor Clemmy were there to organize the session, so I took charge and glad that the kids didn't give me any problem. I was also quite happy that I spurred interest in one boy whom I suspect has short concentration span. I taught him about all the major organs in the body and he's just showing interest and fascination all the time... really rewarding. Finally got back home at 7:30pm. Tried to cram more of anatomy into my head before I slept at 12:50.
Today's a bit of a crazy day for me. Started off with lectures from 9-11. In the first lecture, the consultant gave us a clinical scenario in which a mid-aged 6-weeks pregnant woman present to A&E with severe bleeding per vagina - to transfuse or not, and I thought no. Because I was sitting at one of the front rows and I sticked up my hand when nobody else did, the lecturer pointed at me and said 'tell me why do you think so'. I thought I was going to have a heart attack... I DON'T KNOW! I gave rubbish reply like 'because the blood's useless...'. Clearly not satisfied, he asked me to elaborate, and I went like 'presumably the blood's that's coming out from that area is used to support the baby'... and he went 'good thinking, but that's not the reason'. Gosh.. that was so embarrassing! 'The blood's useless?' How could I say that?! Nevertheless it I didn't feel terribly bad about myself after that (which I used to do all the time). Thought the lecture had been extremely helpful in orientating us to begin to strategize patient management like a doctor. Right after the lecture, my PBL group had a commucanition skills session. I was so proud that I was the first one to volunteer to interview the patient. A bit surprised that people didn't want to volunteer at all especially since OSCE is in two weeks time. Anyway, eventhough I wasn't quite satisfied with my own performance during the interview, I guess Charlie and I pulled it through while interviewing togather. Didn't really have any negative feedback at all, plenty of positive feedback. The simulated patient said we made her feel comfortable talking to us eventhough she wasn't in a good mood at that time, which was an amazing feat! I think this is definitely my first time doing well in communication skills and interviewing patient judging from the feedback I received. And just to mention, it was really funny that Siobhan who's facilitating another communication skills session next door and our facilitator, Carol kept telling the workers to open up, then closing and again to open up the barrier between the two rooms. The workers were too fed up to entertain their final request. Communication skills ended at 12:35 but I was supposed to be at Rusholme Health Centre, which is about a mile away, at 12:30... So I was walking at the quickest walking pace to reach the centre at 12:50. Fortunately Dr Hart didn't mind since I'd already emailed her saying that I might be late due to the communication skills session. I was there with another girl Lisa, to give feedback on the guidance provided for our portfolio on behalf of the over 350 first year medical students. It went well as I felt that I was able to lash out everything I thought and feel about the portfolio. Just hope that I wasn't too harshly critical about it. And since Jo Hart's a communication lecturer, I also took the opportunity to express my concern about not being able to understand patients' accent in almost all of my patient contact. Doesn't really bother me now since my communication and interpersonal skills have greatly improved since I started the many voluntary work, but it must have been a problem to many other international students. I don't know if she's able to do anything about it, but at least she knows that some students are struggling. And ate loads of free sandwiches in the process! I headed back to Stopford Building at 2pm to meet up with Jamie as we were going to find our way togather for our meetings with Bob, our PBL tutor in some new building about half an hour away called the Manchester Interdisciplinary Biocentre. We eventually got there about 15 minutes early and had a chat with the other PBL-mates. Feedback from Bob about me was good. Everything seems to go well... he said I'm a good contributor in PBL and ask revelent questions to stimulate good thinking which many people fail to do most to the time. But he said I have ugly handwriting judging from my scribing yesterday... I was too tired to explain myself then. Had a drink at the cafe with Andrew, Jamie, Cindy and Catherine after that. Thought I want to just have a quick look at the hand anatomy before going home, so I walked back to Stopford Building and went all the way up to the dissecting room again on the third floor, only to meet Uzo who told me that it's closed and they are packing up already. O well... waste of energy but I guess there's no harm to have a few calories burnt. Finally hit home at 5pm. Called home, nobody wants to talk to me except for Cheng. Nevermind. Somehow I just couldn't get angry at anything today. Have this surge of euphoria for three days already. Hope it's wear off by tomorrow so that I can study without feeling the surge of excitement every half an hour.
Let's start off with Wednesday. Went to the dissection room first thing in the morning coz the dissection room's only open this week for people to look at prosection and revise. I was fine with the thorax bit coz I revised the night before, but just couldn't handle the upper limb at all. So I thought I'd go back and get the bones, muscles, vessels and nerve names right first. Around 1pm, I attended the Medical Assessment via Enquiry Based Learning project meeting (MAEBL) involving progress test practice question authoring. It was rather shocking to have only 2 first years and 3 second years out of about 30 who committed to the project. It's basically like an experiment which they run on medical student volunteer like myself to see if this method of learning helps to improve our progress test (PT) scores. I participated coz I think there's nothing to lose on my part. In fact, in every meeting, we get free drinks and sandwiches, which is really nice! The MAEBL meeting ended at about 3:10pm. I went to the library after that to stuff some names of the hand muscles into my head. Then at 4pm, I boarded a bus to Piccadilly Garden to catch another bus to Hope Hospital in Salford (an hour away) for another voluntary job. This time, with REACHE, I played the patient role with suspected angina. REACHE is an organisation to help refugee doctors requalify to practise in the UK, so sessions like this would definitely help them improve their communication skills in English. I had a really really good time there, and again, got free food! It ended at around 7pm. I took a tram back to Piccadilly Garden then took a bus to Fallowfield for my Judo training in Armitage sports centre. By the time I got back to my room at 10pm, I was absolutely worn-out, didn't even had the energy to eat. I went straight to bed after a shower.
Thursday was slightly better. Had lectures+PBL+Physiology lab skills OSCE practice from 9-3pm non-stop. That's quite draining I must admit. Not exactly helped by my own insistance of going to the dissection room again to get the hand muscles right. I went to the dissection room with Alistair and we both forgotten our gloves. So, guess what.... I touch the prosected bodies with my bare hands. Despite that, had been rather unproductive yesterday. I just hate the muscles on the forearms. Absolutely confusing. So after wasting an hour and a half in the dissecting room, I head to Sainsbury for some food shopping and head back to my home. Had a quick chat with papa and mama and of course wished Cheng 'Happy Birthday' slightly after 12 midnight Malaysian time. Couldn't talk to them for long coz I've got to rush off to Rusholme for yet another voluntary job, that is teaching the kids in the Somalian refugees community. Neither Sophie nor Clemmy were there to organize the session, so I took charge and glad that the kids didn't give me any problem. I was also quite happy that I spurred interest in one boy whom I suspect has short concentration span. I taught him about all the major organs in the body and he's just showing interest and fascination all the time... really rewarding. Finally got back home at 7:30pm. Tried to cram more of anatomy into my head before I slept at 12:50.
Today's a bit of a crazy day for me. Started off with lectures from 9-11. In the first lecture, the consultant gave us a clinical scenario in which a mid-aged 6-weeks pregnant woman present to A&E with severe bleeding per vagina - to transfuse or not, and I thought no. Because I was sitting at one of the front rows and I sticked up my hand when nobody else did, the lecturer pointed at me and said 'tell me why do you think so'. I thought I was going to have a heart attack... I DON'T KNOW! I gave rubbish reply like 'because the blood's useless...'. Clearly not satisfied, he asked me to elaborate, and I went like 'presumably the blood's that's coming out from that area is used to support the baby'... and he went 'good thinking, but that's not the reason'. Gosh.. that was so embarrassing! 'The blood's useless?' How could I say that?! Nevertheless it I didn't feel terribly bad about myself after that (which I used to do all the time). Thought the lecture had been extremely helpful in orientating us to begin to strategize patient management like a doctor. Right after the lecture, my PBL group had a commucanition skills session. I was so proud that I was the first one to volunteer to interview the patient. A bit surprised that people didn't want to volunteer at all especially since OSCE is in two weeks time. Anyway, eventhough I wasn't quite satisfied with my own performance during the interview, I guess Charlie and I pulled it through while interviewing togather. Didn't really have any negative feedback at all, plenty of positive feedback. The simulated patient said we made her feel comfortable talking to us eventhough she wasn't in a good mood at that time, which was an amazing feat! I think this is definitely my first time doing well in communication skills and interviewing patient judging from the feedback I received. And just to mention, it was really funny that Siobhan who's facilitating another communication skills session next door and our facilitator, Carol kept telling the workers to open up, then closing and again to open up the barrier between the two rooms. The workers were too fed up to entertain their final request. Communication skills ended at 12:35 but I was supposed to be at Rusholme Health Centre, which is about a mile away, at 12:30... So I was walking at the quickest walking pace to reach the centre at 12:50. Fortunately Dr Hart didn't mind since I'd already emailed her saying that I might be late due to the communication skills session. I was there with another girl Lisa, to give feedback on the guidance provided for our portfolio on behalf of the over 350 first year medical students. It went well as I felt that I was able to lash out everything I thought and feel about the portfolio. Just hope that I wasn't too harshly critical about it. And since Jo Hart's a communication lecturer, I also took the opportunity to express my concern about not being able to understand patients' accent in almost all of my patient contact. Doesn't really bother me now since my communication and interpersonal skills have greatly improved since I started the many voluntary work, but it must have been a problem to many other international students. I don't know if she's able to do anything about it, but at least she knows that some students are struggling. And ate loads of free sandwiches in the process! I headed back to Stopford Building at 2pm to meet up with Jamie as we were going to find our way togather for our meetings with Bob, our PBL tutor in some new building about half an hour away called the Manchester Interdisciplinary Biocentre. We eventually got there about 15 minutes early and had a chat with the other PBL-mates. Feedback from Bob about me was good. Everything seems to go well... he said I'm a good contributor in PBL and ask revelent questions to stimulate good thinking which many people fail to do most to the time. But he said I have ugly handwriting judging from my scribing yesterday... I was too tired to explain myself then. Had a drink at the cafe with Andrew, Jamie, Cindy and Catherine after that. Thought I want to just have a quick look at the hand anatomy before going home, so I walked back to Stopford Building and went all the way up to the dissecting room again on the third floor, only to meet Uzo who told me that it's closed and they are packing up already. O well... waste of energy but I guess there's no harm to have a few calories burnt. Finally hit home at 5pm. Called home, nobody wants to talk to me except for Cheng. Nevermind. Somehow I just couldn't get angry at anything today. Have this surge of euphoria for three days already. Hope it's wear off by tomorrow so that I can study without feeling the surge of excitement every half an hour.
Monday, April 24
Do I have a problem?
I really don't want to bore anyone by the same old story of how worried I am for my coming exams. Sometimes I wonder, am I really worrying unnecessarily? I seem to be doing a hell lot more work than majority of my other medic friends, yet there's still this strong feeling of insufficiency lingering in me. It's really hardly surprising. In every other book I flip open, brand new chunks of information surface. This means that if I were to read 10 different books, 10 different books will give me different information on the same topic. I'm not even exaggerating. To top it all, the PBL method of determining learning objectives as a group from the cases just adds to the doubts about what exactly should we be learning. The unfairness comes in when some groups' tutors readily read out learning objectives provided in the tutor's casebook while tutors like ours would not even hint us if we are on the right track. How unhelpful is that?
Another issue with me is that I truly and really want to make the fullest of these two preclinical years to build up my foundation in the basic natural and behavioural sciences for my clinical years. I just have this thought that if I don't read up my stuff well, I'd be killing off patients. Sigh... How foolish of me to just have realise that there can be no such thing as 'knowing everything' in a topic.
And now, back to my usual exam time dilemma. I'm struggle to concentrate and keep my motivation high. I can discipline myself to sit with the book but half the time, I just could not force anything into my brain at all. It's really sad. I hope I'm not the only one having problem like this. And I really hope I can repeated my honours feat I accomplished last semester.
Just another unrelated complaint. I don't like my PBL group. I'm ok with most of them, but there are a few who just can't stop talking about what they themselves have experienced or heard from TV/aunt/'somewhere'. Literally half the PBL session is always wasted on these trivial, rubbishy conversations between these 3/4 people in the group. When I was the chair, I tried really hard to minimize those rubbish (especially on the second session) but I ended up making everyone feel tensed. Well, at least we've managed to make full use of the one hour session. Now I just dread going to PBL sessions because of these few people.
Another issue with me is that I truly and really want to make the fullest of these two preclinical years to build up my foundation in the basic natural and behavioural sciences for my clinical years. I just have this thought that if I don't read up my stuff well, I'd be killing off patients. Sigh... How foolish of me to just have realise that there can be no such thing as 'knowing everything' in a topic.
And now, back to my usual exam time dilemma. I'm struggle to concentrate and keep my motivation high. I can discipline myself to sit with the book but half the time, I just could not force anything into my brain at all. It's really sad. I hope I'm not the only one having problem like this. And I really hope I can repeated my honours feat I accomplished last semester.
Just another unrelated complaint. I don't like my PBL group. I'm ok with most of them, but there are a few who just can't stop talking about what they themselves have experienced or heard from TV/aunt/'somewhere'. Literally half the PBL session is always wasted on these trivial, rubbishy conversations between these 3/4 people in the group. When I was the chair, I tried really hard to minimize those rubbish (especially on the second session) but I ended up making everyone feel tensed. Well, at least we've managed to make full use of the one hour session. Now I just dread going to PBL sessions because of these few people.
Tuesday, April 18
My holiday
Some people find pleasure in shopping, some find travelling enjoyable. I just happen to be interested in something different, for my concept of having a 'meaningful' holiday is not really that of discovering places or a shopping spree. Last week, I attended a basic care course for the health care assistant job I applied for. It included three days of classroom lessons and one day of supervised placement in a nursing home.
Basic Care Course
The first three days was rather boring as most of the stuff taught were already being covered in greater detail in the medical course. There were three other medical students who attended the course (Three second years) and we gave the instructor a hand in teaching on many occasions. I felt a bit amused when the instructor kept calling us 'doctors'... as much as I like being called 'doctor', I know that it was not right. It's also been great to be able to meet groups of people I am not accustomed to. There were a few middle age women who obviously come from a lower socioeconomic group and have to work round the clock to meet ends. It was also nice to meet people from different nationalities and explore their different motivations for going into nursing. Everyone had extraordinary experiences and each of them had a different story to tell. I'd never expect to meet anyone from Sierra Lione, a miserable, war-torn country that I'd only read about in books and papers. Another bonus was that having the opportunity to practise taking the radial, brachial and carotid pulses and measuring blood pressure, which will be tested in my coming OSCE exams in May.
Mentorship in nursing home
That placement was an eye opener to me and I truly appreciated the the opportunity. The three days of basic care course taught us much about nursing and moving and handling, but it didn't prepare us for what we're about to see in real healthcare setting. Eventhough I've expected to help patients with cleaning and washing, I assumed a higher level of independence from patient themselves. The old folks in the nursing home that I attended to were almost completely dependent on two or three carers to help them in the most simple things you do when you wake up in the morning. Some can't even get out of bed at all. Though I didn't mind helping the patients out at all, I did feel quite embarassed at the beginning. Why did the patients so willingly trust the carers to attend to the most intimate parts of the body, I wondered. Nevertheless I realize soon enough that that's the way it has to be. I had a real trouble communicating with the old folks - I just don't understand them. Nearly all of them don't speak clearly, and many couldn't express themselves as clearly they wish to. So, for the entire day, I either ignored the patients' babbling or just responded a smile. I know that's bad but there's not much I can do about it for that day. In a way, I felt the rush and stress of running around and attending patients for the whole morning. On the whole, it's not exactly the most pleasant job in the world, yet I found it extremely rewarding. I did feel a little disgusted at the beginning, but it's definitely better that dissection. And having said that, it must've been at least 10 times worse for the patients. Caring for the old folks reminded me strongly the fact that we will get old and sick one day and that the vainity that I'm chasing day after day now will eventually come to an end. There'll also possiblity be a day when I will succumb to a state in which I'll lose my self-dignity entirely.
Our lives will eventually come to an end one day. That will be the day when we ask ourselves: What have I done in my entire life? Sometimes I do wonder why the hell am I wasting off my 'glorious years' not doing things that I might not be able to do a few year later. And my conscience has given me the answer. I am indeed extremely lucky to be fit and healthy, to have the most wonderful family in the world, to be brought up in the best environment possible, to be relatively intelligent and to get into medical school to do what I've always wanted to. There are too many people in this world that are not as privileged as I am. While I have the capacity and resources, I want to make a difference in others' lives. I believe by showing that I care, I can inspire. And I truly hope that, by doing so, I've played a part in making this world a better place.
Basic Care Course
The first three days was rather boring as most of the stuff taught were already being covered in greater detail in the medical course. There were three other medical students who attended the course (Three second years) and we gave the instructor a hand in teaching on many occasions. I felt a bit amused when the instructor kept calling us 'doctors'... as much as I like being called 'doctor', I know that it was not right. It's also been great to be able to meet groups of people I am not accustomed to. There were a few middle age women who obviously come from a lower socioeconomic group and have to work round the clock to meet ends. It was also nice to meet people from different nationalities and explore their different motivations for going into nursing. Everyone had extraordinary experiences and each of them had a different story to tell. I'd never expect to meet anyone from Sierra Lione, a miserable, war-torn country that I'd only read about in books and papers. Another bonus was that having the opportunity to practise taking the radial, brachial and carotid pulses and measuring blood pressure, which will be tested in my coming OSCE exams in May.
Mentorship in nursing home
That placement was an eye opener to me and I truly appreciated the the opportunity. The three days of basic care course taught us much about nursing and moving and handling, but it didn't prepare us for what we're about to see in real healthcare setting. Eventhough I've expected to help patients with cleaning and washing, I assumed a higher level of independence from patient themselves. The old folks in the nursing home that I attended to were almost completely dependent on two or three carers to help them in the most simple things you do when you wake up in the morning. Some can't even get out of bed at all. Though I didn't mind helping the patients out at all, I did feel quite embarassed at the beginning. Why did the patients so willingly trust the carers to attend to the most intimate parts of the body, I wondered. Nevertheless I realize soon enough that that's the way it has to be. I had a real trouble communicating with the old folks - I just don't understand them. Nearly all of them don't speak clearly, and many couldn't express themselves as clearly they wish to. So, for the entire day, I either ignored the patients' babbling or just responded a smile. I know that's bad but there's not much I can do about it for that day. In a way, I felt the rush and stress of running around and attending patients for the whole morning. On the whole, it's not exactly the most pleasant job in the world, yet I found it extremely rewarding. I did feel a little disgusted at the beginning, but it's definitely better that dissection. And having said that, it must've been at least 10 times worse for the patients. Caring for the old folks reminded me strongly the fact that we will get old and sick one day and that the vainity that I'm chasing day after day now will eventually come to an end. There'll also possiblity be a day when I will succumb to a state in which I'll lose my self-dignity entirely.
Our lives will eventually come to an end one day. That will be the day when we ask ourselves: What have I done in my entire life? Sometimes I do wonder why the hell am I wasting off my 'glorious years' not doing things that I might not be able to do a few year later. And my conscience has given me the answer. I am indeed extremely lucky to be fit and healthy, to have the most wonderful family in the world, to be brought up in the best environment possible, to be relatively intelligent and to get into medical school to do what I've always wanted to. There are too many people in this world that are not as privileged as I am. While I have the capacity and resources, I want to make a difference in others' lives. I believe by showing that I care, I can inspire. And I truly hope that, by doing so, I've played a part in making this world a better place.
Sunday, April 2
Stupid friendship - Worth all the tears?
I had a small argument with mum yesterday through the phone and it got me thinking. Last night my mind was full of resentment. I was feeling quite bored here and all I wanted was some of her spare time to talk to me. Is that too much to ask for? I do not have many friends to be with throughout holiday as my mates are on holiday at home now. And she kept bombarding me about my failure to make friends with Malaysians, that's why I ended up alienated. But that's not true. I have the right to choose my companies. And my choice is not unreasonable. I just like to be with people who share my interest and people who care for me, who bother to make me feel not-left-out whenever possible. Why does she always have to criticize the way I do things? The words she used really HURTFUL. She said I was arrogant. I only want to make friends with mat salleh. Malaysians are too low class for me. That's why people deliberately leave me out all the time. THAT's NOT TRUE! It just happens that no Malaysians that I know are interested in voluntary work and martial arts. Nor am I interested in things like shopping and travelling that most of my Malaysian friends are frantically crazy about. She keeps thinking that I ought to be like her when she was in London for her nursing training 20 years back. I'm not like her, or any other ordinary people. I am unique, a loner you can say. I am like that since I was in form 4 or 5, when I began to break lose from the chain of close friendship that sort of keeps me from reaching my potentials. I don't need companies for the sake of reassurance and security. Friends are great, but acquintances demand a lot of time, energy and often sacrifies. That's why I choose to not have any. That's why I've decided to not get married. I believe in the Buddhism philosophy that all these vanity are simply human's effort to fill in feeling of inadequacy, which are all really illusions and will eventually come to an end. I know what I want to achieve in my life and I will do whatever it takes to make them happen, whether my so-called friends approve of them or not. I know it's rather a shame that I see friendship this way, but I just do not appreciate friendship as much as most people do, and I haven't really had any best friend who really really really care for me. I used to think some of them do, but time has proven otherwise. Family's always the only place where I could turn to. So, here I am, feeling bored, called back home and had mummy telling me to go and make an effort to befriend Malaysians and don't be the one excluded next time. Isn't that fantastic?
I hope mum doesn't read this. I know she can't really tolarate critism, or even an alternative way of thinking. You people reading this, especially pa, yeeleng, wancheng, wanlee and wanteng, please don't tell mummy about this. What I've written here comes from the bottom of my heart. However, since I've been tearing all day and night, I know this is one of the very rare moments when emotion has overuled my sensible thinking mind. These may not make sense even when I read this entry again tomorrow. Yet, my principle stands. I will not 'go and make an effort' in search for vain friendship just for the sake of having to look not lonely on the surface. I've tried that. Faking up laugh for their not-so-funny jokes was hell and I still feel empty inside. So, why bother?
I hope mum doesn't read this. I know she can't really tolarate critism, or even an alternative way of thinking. You people reading this, especially pa, yeeleng, wancheng, wanlee and wanteng, please don't tell mummy about this. What I've written here comes from the bottom of my heart. However, since I've been tearing all day and night, I know this is one of the very rare moments when emotion has overuled my sensible thinking mind. These may not make sense even when I read this entry again tomorrow. Yet, my principle stands. I will not 'go and make an effort' in search for vain friendship just for the sake of having to look not lonely on the surface. I've tried that. Faking up laugh for their not-so-funny jokes was hell and I still feel empty inside. So, why bother?
Friday, March 31
SSC weeks: Life in a mess
SSC's finally due and I was among the first ones to hand my essay in on Thursday afternoon. For the record, I haven't slept for three nights for SSC. I stayed up on Sunday night for the SSC - can't finish it. On monday night, St Andrews students came to Manchester and I played host for two of them (Sarah and Camilla). I gave up my bed for one of them while I stayed up the whole night to finish my essay. And I did finished my essay and emailed my two abstracts to Dr Hollingsworth for comments. I received his reply on the afternoon itself. At that point, the quality of the essay was a little crappy as I was trying too hard to fit in the content first. So, I spent the next two days and nights polishing up my essay. It was torturous. Yet I just would not forgive myself for spending the little extra time sleeping when I could well be perfecting the essay. If I could pass up the essay on today, I would probably have not sleep last night to work on it. Now I begin to see how destructive my perfectionist and self critical attitude is. I bet it will kill me one day. But anyway, I'm really really glad that it's all done and over.
As I've suggested, my life over these two weeks had been a mess. Eventhough we have a full two weeks off to work on our SSC, I just couldn't get my head around it. But I wasn't the only one. Most first year medics I met were just like zombies. I met Dr Bundy last Wednesday to ask some psychosocial questions that she didn't answer through email. It was really interesting. Did you know that animals actually have a sense of themselves? It was really funny learning experiments of having dolphins looking at mirrors and things like that... And she was the second person after Dr Hollingsworth to ask me about life in general. I suppose it sounds stupid but I just love talking about myself, especially telling people about the fact that I make an effort to adapt and how happy I am with my life now. Then on last Friday, I met Dr Hollingsworth again to discuss about my half-way-done essay. It's really a great pleasure talking to him. He didn't comment much about the scientific content except that 'you seems to know more than I do already'. What he really commented on was the language. He corrected all my English error in the essay with red ink as though I was back in school. I wasn't expecting that from a university senior lecturer... He's just so nice... He asked me whether or not English is my second language, and I told him that English is actually my third language (After Chinese and Malay). And he was like 'Wo... I'm impressed!'. You see why I enjoy talking to him? He just makes me feel flattered all the time... What more can you ask for? He really knows how to compliment critisism with flattering. Contrary to my rants about SSC above, in a way, I thought it was a rather rewarding experience because of him as my supervisor.
I went to two of the base hospitals in this two weeks. On last Wednesday, I visited Preston. It was my second time being there and I retained my excellent impression of the hospital after the visit. It has great facilities and everything was new and shiny. It is particularly reputable as the best teaching hospital. The people are really friendly. The early experience facilitator, Siobhan, whom I've only met once last semester, actually remembered my name when I came for my first hospital placement early this semester. Preston has three really cool and sophisticated simulator for students to learn ATLS and clinical skills and they are in the process of aquiring a pediatric model. They were really wonderful. It has pulse, can breathe, talk, bleed and even cries and dies (and reincarnates). I recon I'd really benefit from these dummies. The only setback for Preston is that it is an hour away from Manchester. So if I were to choose this one, I'd be cut off from all my friends in Manchester, which would definitely be sad...
I also visited Hope Hospital. Though not as shiny as Preston, I still felt really welcomed. I talked to some of the third years and from the sound of it, there's plenty of opportunity to learn in Hope as all the staff are really eager to teach medical students. All we got to do is to look eager in response like a dog and we'll be allowed and trusted to perform or observe procedures that we're probably not suppose to be doing. The only thing is that I don't think I really like the speciality they have there, but that probably doesn't matter as I'll most probably change my mind quicker than I'd have imagine.
I haven't had the chance to visit to Manchester Royal Infirmary (MRI) as I was teaching primary school kids on its open afternoon but I'd probably not choose that one as I heard that it's quite disorganized and we won't get good support (being an attention seeker, that's really a priority...) eventhough it's just right across the road and has all the specialities I'm interested in. And finally, Wythenshawe Hospital is another hospital I will not want to go simply because I have bad experience with a patient there during one of my hospital placement. So, in order of preference, my choice of base hospital are 1. Hope 2. Preston 3. MRI 4. Wythenshawe.
Hope I don't have to bump into circumstance to make me rethink and chance my mind again. It's so difficult to make choices like this, especially when it's going to affect you for your three clinical years and probably mould the fundamental attitude as a doctor.
As I've suggested, my life over these two weeks had been a mess. Eventhough we have a full two weeks off to work on our SSC, I just couldn't get my head around it. But I wasn't the only one. Most first year medics I met were just like zombies. I met Dr Bundy last Wednesday to ask some psychosocial questions that she didn't answer through email. It was really interesting. Did you know that animals actually have a sense of themselves? It was really funny learning experiments of having dolphins looking at mirrors and things like that... And she was the second person after Dr Hollingsworth to ask me about life in general. I suppose it sounds stupid but I just love talking about myself, especially telling people about the fact that I make an effort to adapt and how happy I am with my life now. Then on last Friday, I met Dr Hollingsworth again to discuss about my half-way-done essay. It's really a great pleasure talking to him. He didn't comment much about the scientific content except that 'you seems to know more than I do already'. What he really commented on was the language. He corrected all my English error in the essay with red ink as though I was back in school. I wasn't expecting that from a university senior lecturer... He's just so nice... He asked me whether or not English is my second language, and I told him that English is actually my third language (After Chinese and Malay). And he was like 'Wo... I'm impressed!'. You see why I enjoy talking to him? He just makes me feel flattered all the time... What more can you ask for? He really knows how to compliment critisism with flattering. Contrary to my rants about SSC above, in a way, I thought it was a rather rewarding experience because of him as my supervisor.
I went to two of the base hospitals in this two weeks. On last Wednesday, I visited Preston. It was my second time being there and I retained my excellent impression of the hospital after the visit. It has great facilities and everything was new and shiny. It is particularly reputable as the best teaching hospital. The people are really friendly. The early experience facilitator, Siobhan, whom I've only met once last semester, actually remembered my name when I came for my first hospital placement early this semester. Preston has three really cool and sophisticated simulator for students to learn ATLS and clinical skills and they are in the process of aquiring a pediatric model. They were really wonderful. It has pulse, can breathe, talk, bleed and even cries and dies (and reincarnates). I recon I'd really benefit from these dummies. The only setback for Preston is that it is an hour away from Manchester. So if I were to choose this one, I'd be cut off from all my friends in Manchester, which would definitely be sad...
I also visited Hope Hospital. Though not as shiny as Preston, I still felt really welcomed. I talked to some of the third years and from the sound of it, there's plenty of opportunity to learn in Hope as all the staff are really eager to teach medical students. All we got to do is to look eager in response like a dog and we'll be allowed and trusted to perform or observe procedures that we're probably not suppose to be doing. The only thing is that I don't think I really like the speciality they have there, but that probably doesn't matter as I'll most probably change my mind quicker than I'd have imagine.
I haven't had the chance to visit to Manchester Royal Infirmary (MRI) as I was teaching primary school kids on its open afternoon but I'd probably not choose that one as I heard that it's quite disorganized and we won't get good support (being an attention seeker, that's really a priority...) eventhough it's just right across the road and has all the specialities I'm interested in. And finally, Wythenshawe Hospital is another hospital I will not want to go simply because I have bad experience with a patient there during one of my hospital placement. So, in order of preference, my choice of base hospital are 1. Hope 2. Preston 3. MRI 4. Wythenshawe.
Hope I don't have to bump into circumstance to make me rethink and chance my mind again. It's so difficult to make choices like this, especially when it's going to affect you for your three clinical years and probably mould the fundamental attitude as a doctor.
Saturday, March 11
Student Selected Component (SSC)
I finally gather enough strength to start my SSC. I emailed Dr Hollingsworth the week before saying that I already have an outline and I'd like to see him to discuss the plan. In fact, I was lying. I didn't have a plan. I wanted to make an appointment to see him on a set date so that it would push me to get something done. The topic for my SSC sounds quite simple: How can coughing be reduced by drugs? To my surprise, coughing is not a simple matter at all. There're all kinds of receptors in the airway involved, transmiting impulses via various afferant fibres, then to other second order relay neorons and finally to the medulla. In the medulla, there are about five other parts of the brain which can influence the medullary activity. After the interpretation of impulses in the brain, electrical signals are sent to various motoneurons which target expiratory muscles in the thorax and abdomen for the coughing action. Drugs can act on anywhere along this pathway to suppress cough. There were huge amount of information to be understood, absorbed and properly organized in my head. I was actually quite surprise that I manage to come up with an outline on Thursday morning.
The meeting with Dr Hollingsworth was especially pleasant. To start with, I really appreciated the fact that he said he was impressed by my outline. Totally didn't expect that. Rather, I thought my outline was so crappy that I was prepared to have him telling me off for wasting his time... He asked me a number of really useful questions that led me to the direction which I'm suppose to head. In the process of describing to him what I've understood thus far, it helped me reorganize the messy chunks of information I've read from various textbooks and review articles. After the discussion about SSC, he asked me things about how am I coping as international student. He was the very first academic staff who talked to me about the PBL method from international students' perspective, which I had much to say about. And from our discussion, it became apparent that I'm actually one of the very few international student who manage to adapt really well in every aspect of a new life here, from PBL to the way of life. (Really, the only thing I can't stand is the weather), and I'm really proud of myself because of that!
Last week was quite a hectic week for me. I spent quite a huge amount of time facing the computer reading electronic journals for the SSC. I went for Judo training on Monday and Wednesday evening. On Tuesday, I spent the whole evening donating my blood. On Wednesday evening, I went to St Pauls' High School to teach CPR (What an experience seeing the kids getting so fascinated watching Annie's chest rise as we blow air into it's mouth..). Right after the meeting with Dr Hollingsworth on Thursday, I went to mentor the Somali kids with After School Club in Green Hayers Adult Education Centre. I was quite exhausted last week, but I'm entirely satisfied with my life now. I've always wanted my life to be very eventful, and now I've got what I wanted.
Also, i just want to mention that I answered a question in Dr Christine Bundy's lecture. It was just a quick and simple one, but that just added a sense of achievement for myself. It was only my second time speaking up in a theatre event... what a loser. But now everything's changed. I'm slowly but surely building up my self esteem and I am never going to be a loser ever!
The meeting with Dr Hollingsworth was especially pleasant. To start with, I really appreciated the fact that he said he was impressed by my outline. Totally didn't expect that. Rather, I thought my outline was so crappy that I was prepared to have him telling me off for wasting his time... He asked me a number of really useful questions that led me to the direction which I'm suppose to head. In the process of describing to him what I've understood thus far, it helped me reorganize the messy chunks of information I've read from various textbooks and review articles. After the discussion about SSC, he asked me things about how am I coping as international student. He was the very first academic staff who talked to me about the PBL method from international students' perspective, which I had much to say about. And from our discussion, it became apparent that I'm actually one of the very few international student who manage to adapt really well in every aspect of a new life here, from PBL to the way of life. (Really, the only thing I can't stand is the weather), and I'm really proud of myself because of that!
Last week was quite a hectic week for me. I spent quite a huge amount of time facing the computer reading electronic journals for the SSC. I went for Judo training on Monday and Wednesday evening. On Tuesday, I spent the whole evening donating my blood. On Wednesday evening, I went to St Pauls' High School to teach CPR (What an experience seeing the kids getting so fascinated watching Annie's chest rise as we blow air into it's mouth..). Right after the meeting with Dr Hollingsworth on Thursday, I went to mentor the Somali kids with After School Club in Green Hayers Adult Education Centre. I was quite exhausted last week, but I'm entirely satisfied with my life now. I've always wanted my life to be very eventful, and now I've got what I wanted.
Also, i just want to mention that I answered a question in Dr Christine Bundy's lecture. It was just a quick and simple one, but that just added a sense of achievement for myself. It was only my second time speaking up in a theatre event... what a loser. But now everything's changed. I'm slowly but surely building up my self esteem and I am never going to be a loser ever!
Monday, February 27
A little update about my life
Time to tell u guys about what has been going on lately in Manchester. Got my semester 1 results last friday. Sat for 2 papers (semester 1 test n progress test), got honours for both papers! Couldn't believe my eyes when i read it! Anyway though i'd worked quite hard for the previous semester, i'd still say it's more of luck that got me my honour grade. So, thanks for all the blessings.
Yesterday some Petronas people came to Manchester and we went out to a Malaysian Restaurant for a meeting session. Food was great. Talk by Dr Rosti was quite boring, mainly talked about stuff relevant to the Petronas business like engineering n finance. Then at the end had a bit of chat with him n the other delagates who came. It was alright overall.
Just came back from Stopford Building, had a lecture on hypertension n did PBL Case 5 this morning. Thought I contributed a fair amount of information. U know what Andrew did to me? I hate him! He wrote the word 'PENIS' on the back of my left hand with a permanent marker! Can't wash it off... That's so annoying! I thought I almost burst out in tears just now in the library. I'm soooooo frustrated right now! I'm not talking to him for at least a month from now!
Yesterday some Petronas people came to Manchester and we went out to a Malaysian Restaurant for a meeting session. Food was great. Talk by Dr Rosti was quite boring, mainly talked about stuff relevant to the Petronas business like engineering n finance. Then at the end had a bit of chat with him n the other delagates who came. It was alright overall.
Just came back from Stopford Building, had a lecture on hypertension n did PBL Case 5 this morning. Thought I contributed a fair amount of information. U know what Andrew did to me? I hate him! He wrote the word 'PENIS' on the back of my left hand with a permanent marker! Can't wash it off... That's so annoying! I thought I almost burst out in tears just now in the library. I'm soooooo frustrated right now! I'm not talking to him for at least a month from now!
Sunday, February 19
Nothing can bother me today - I'M HAPPY!
The title makes me sound as though I'm crazy...
But indeed, I'm really ecstatic today! After reading the many letters in the 'Let's Hear It' section of The Star Education for many weeks, I finally can't stand it and wrote an email to the section editor last week. Many parents and students were complaining about the Science and Math teachers' poor standard of English, and I wrote in some of my experience in college, having to learn Biology and Chemistry from Pn Norharyatee and Pn Azizah who were not so well versed in English then. I'm so happy that my letter's been published! Mum and some of my friends said it was a touching letter, though it could have been more dramatic if it wasn't editted at all (some of the words were changed and the overall piece was cut short). The students these days think their English is so good that they have to complain in the newspaper each time a teacher makes a spelling error... I'm so appalled by their attitude, and worse, they have full backing from their parents and the media. What's wrong with these people? If they are so smart, how can they not even comprehend the simple common sense that language cannot be learnt overnight and without making mistakes? I hope I manage to send my mesage across through the brief letter.
Have a look at the letter by following this link
http://thestar.com.my/education/story.asp?file=/2006/2/19/education/13405669
and if you wish, tell me what you think about it.
But indeed, I'm really ecstatic today! After reading the many letters in the 'Let's Hear It' section of The Star Education for many weeks, I finally can't stand it and wrote an email to the section editor last week. Many parents and students were complaining about the Science and Math teachers' poor standard of English, and I wrote in some of my experience in college, having to learn Biology and Chemistry from Pn Norharyatee and Pn Azizah who were not so well versed in English then. I'm so happy that my letter's been published! Mum and some of my friends said it was a touching letter, though it could have been more dramatic if it wasn't editted at all (some of the words were changed and the overall piece was cut short). The students these days think their English is so good that they have to complain in the newspaper each time a teacher makes a spelling error... I'm so appalled by their attitude, and worse, they have full backing from their parents and the media. What's wrong with these people? If they are so smart, how can they not even comprehend the simple common sense that language cannot be learnt overnight and without making mistakes? I hope I manage to send my mesage across through the brief letter.
Have a look at the letter by following this link
http://thestar.com.my/education/story.asp?file=/2006/2/19/education/13405669
and if you wish, tell me what you think about it.
Thursday, February 16
Frustration
WARNING: Comments on this post are bitter. If you think you can't tolarate opinions which are narrow and nasty because somebody's not in the mood for positive and open thinking, please don't bother continuing.
Perhaps this is one of the days when I just keep thinking about negative side of stuff. About people, about PBL, about the things I do, basically about everything.
About this Malaysian girl, lets call her X. She thinks she so clever about knowing the British culture. I was just telling her about my comtemplation about going for tonight's Malaria pubcrawl, not because I enjoy it, but because I want to have fun with some of my dearest friends from my previous PBL. And she went on saying things about cultural difference, saying that British teenagers like alcohol because it makes them feel braver and more sociable. Well, who doesn't know that? But from my experiences going to pubs and nightclubs, which are more than hers I'm sure, the brats here just want to get wasted because apparently 'it feels nice'. I've tried it... and it does feels nice. Then she kept on arguing with me about what British does and does not when it comes to alcohol. I tried to be nice, but to a point I just feel really frustrated about it. I just don't want to carry on arguing anymore. What does she know? She's only been to a nightclub once, and she isn't even close with her own PBL group. Her circle of friends are really just fellow Malaysians. She likes to talk as though she's so strong and knows everything, but in actual fact, she knows nothing. Most of the things she said are words from her friends. All she does all day is shutting herself in the room and saying this and that about mat salleh, without even having the guts to go out into the world and meet a horizon of colours out there. I'm not saying that I'm much better than her, but at the least I've been to pubs and clubs a couple of times with my PBL-mates and went to my British friends' houses for Christmas and are joining judo and voluntary work, embrassing my fear of meeting new people and doing something that I feel strongly about. She always bitch about the Malays, the British, literally everyone that's not Chinese... and sometimes I'm just too tired of arguing with her because nothing changes her mind... it only makes her feel more rightly about herself. Mum's always telling me to make friends with Malaysian, but people like that, how do I bear with them? We simply have different wavelength.
It's really frustrating being with people who thinks so differently from me and refuse to acknowledge that other's way of thinking is ok...
Perhaps this is one of the days when I just keep thinking about negative side of stuff. About people, about PBL, about the things I do, basically about everything.
About this Malaysian girl, lets call her X. She thinks she so clever about knowing the British culture. I was just telling her about my comtemplation about going for tonight's Malaria pubcrawl, not because I enjoy it, but because I want to have fun with some of my dearest friends from my previous PBL. And she went on saying things about cultural difference, saying that British teenagers like alcohol because it makes them feel braver and more sociable. Well, who doesn't know that? But from my experiences going to pubs and nightclubs, which are more than hers I'm sure, the brats here just want to get wasted because apparently 'it feels nice'. I've tried it... and it does feels nice. Then she kept on arguing with me about what British does and does not when it comes to alcohol. I tried to be nice, but to a point I just feel really frustrated about it. I just don't want to carry on arguing anymore. What does she know? She's only been to a nightclub once, and she isn't even close with her own PBL group. Her circle of friends are really just fellow Malaysians. She likes to talk as though she's so strong and knows everything, but in actual fact, she knows nothing. Most of the things she said are words from her friends. All she does all day is shutting herself in the room and saying this and that about mat salleh, without even having the guts to go out into the world and meet a horizon of colours out there. I'm not saying that I'm much better than her, but at the least I've been to pubs and clubs a couple of times with my PBL-mates and went to my British friends' houses for Christmas and are joining judo and voluntary work, embrassing my fear of meeting new people and doing something that I feel strongly about. She always bitch about the Malays, the British, literally everyone that's not Chinese... and sometimes I'm just too tired of arguing with her because nothing changes her mind... it only makes her feel more rightly about herself. Mum's always telling me to make friends with Malaysian, but people like that, how do I bear with them? We simply have different wavelength.
It's really frustrating being with people who thinks so differently from me and refuse to acknowledge that other's way of thinking is ok...
Thursday, February 2
i hate myself...
I'm really a goal oriented person. When I say I want to get something done, I'll do everything to make sure I get it done. I'd plan my stuff properly, work ridiculously hard and have my mind set on a positive mode. And when things don't go according to my plan, not surprisingly, I get really upset with myself. This has happened to me throughout semester 1 and I'm currently suffering my first bout of depression for this brand new semester (and today's only the fourth day of the semester). I wonder why can't I just stop thinking so badly about myself. I have learnt enough that setting unrealistic goals are just stupid. The goals I set for myself now aren't too much to handle. It's just things like contributing stuff about pneumothorax, PSTD and bystander intervention in today's PBL, yet even that I couldn't do it. I was just so quiet. Though I'm quite sure the people (my new PBL-mates and the tutor) won't make judgement about me based on this session alone as I've proven myself to be quite a bubbly, intelligent and reasonable person in other occasions, academically and socially. I simply feel unsatisfied that I wasn't even able to get my ideas across the table, after spending one whole night awake finishing my PBL work, which makes me even angrier at myself. And I told myself if I don't understand something, unlike the last semester, I would ask. But now I'm behaving just the same, no courage to ask my tutor/lecturer/demonstrator things that I'm not sure of (well, as a consolation, at least I managed to ask Dr Tracey a 15 second question about the FEV thing just now..). Then I thought this may just not be my lucky day, everyone has these days... and I really ought not to feel down just because today isn't my lucky day. I can rant on and on about the many positive reassurances and alternative points of view I tell myself, yet it's just the down feeling that won't go away. I don't feel I have control over myself anymore these days.
I had a really fresh start for this semester. First day of PBL was great, even most of the stuff I talked about was rubbish. First dissection was good.. thoracic anatomy that I crammed in the night before (until 3:30am) manage to come out of my brain during the practical. I loved my teaching session with primary school children yesterday, felt that the kids really enjoyed it too. Then I went for judo, which was so much fun that I wanted to share every single detail here.. the endorphin lasted for almost 1 day!.. but now I've just spoilt everything. I don't feel like thinking about anything anymore, even the good ones. Just feel numbed. I hate myself.
I had a really fresh start for this semester. First day of PBL was great, even most of the stuff I talked about was rubbish. First dissection was good.. thoracic anatomy that I crammed in the night before (until 3:30am) manage to come out of my brain during the practical. I loved my teaching session with primary school children yesterday, felt that the kids really enjoyed it too. Then I went for judo, which was so much fun that I wanted to share every single detail here.. the endorphin lasted for almost 1 day!.. but now I've just spoilt everything. I don't feel like thinking about anything anymore, even the good ones. Just feel numbed. I hate myself.
Stress
I'm really saddened that some people just can't emphatise with people who can't control their feelings and say things like 'you are stressed because you choose to be'. I don't know a great deal about the choices but I certainly have never wanted stress or depression. It just came uninvited (isn't that obvious?) and sticks in your head. Today Dr Bundy was saying that oversea students had to deal with extra stress about the lonely experience, and I truly appreciate that. My perfectionist attitude (which I'm trying to gradually quit, trust me) and frequent bouts of depression were already driving me mad, things get worse when I had literally no one to turn to, let alone the feeling of suffocation in environment where human interaction is lacking. There's just no channel of expression at all, and therefore lead to problems of getting on with life... I was really tempted to call my parents and pour out all my emotions, but they'd either not have cared or start to nag at me. I know it really sounds contradictory but my point is at the end of the day, I just keep everything to myself and cry under the blanket alone. Sometimes it's really easy for people to say things like 'switch off', 'go out and have fun'or rubbish like that, but they really wouldn't understand that it's so much easier to say it than to do it.
Friday, January 20
exam-drunk again-job interview
Hiya!
Exam's over. Well, not exactly over... another paper left (Progress test - contains year 1 -5 medics content) but we don't really have to pass it... so I'm not really bothered (I wonder when have I started to think like this... if it was half a year ago I would have stupidly bury myself with medical books to be learnt in five years time in this three days to hopefully pass the test... must be Lauren's influence - she's just so good at saying 'if we pass this time n fail next time it's bad;but if we fail this time n pass this time it good!)
I'd been working quite hard for the semester test since Christmas/new year time. But I don't think the effort actually completely paid off. The semester test paper was horrible. The stuff r just too detailed and I honestly have to say that I did random picking for almost every single questions in the paper. Gosh... I really hate to think about it.. N there were too many choices for each question that I just didn't have the energy to look through each choice thorough enough. That's why I'm really keeping my fingers crossed... that I'll pass this exam (that's my birthday wish)
After the exam, went to shop at Sainsbury Fallowfield with Wei Min (a fellow first year medics from Singapore). Glad to hear from her that I'm not the only one who thought the paper was complete rubbish. Then I went to the city centre to buy a foundation powder for my job interview the next day. Can't believe that I was actually doing that. I'm never a vain person, not even the slightest bit... But after mummy's critism about the pimples on my face, I started to feel a bit disgusted, of course don't know whether that's a good thing. All I know is that I'm now beginning to pay a bit of attention on cosmetic grooming which has never happened before in my life.
During the night, my PBL groupmates n I went out again for my belated birthday and post-exam celebration. Before meeting at OP bar, I went to Lauren's room (cause she was taking AGES to get ready...). She was wearing this 70s minidress and bought a wick which she would wear after that. At that time, I was just wearing a normal shirt and pants, and she literally rip me off and made me wear a shoulder bearing, sleeveless top and a short skirt, which I complied obediently. I felt weird and cold (she told me not to wear a jacket as well n it was a winter night!) as I'm not used to wearing revealing clothes like that. But I just told myself that I'm allowed to be crazy just for the night.. in conjunction with my 21st birthday... and I went a little too far by letting myself drunk again. I think I drank 4/5 glasses including a shot of whisky... which was my worst so far. I did enjoy myself on the dance floor thoroughly at The Ritz... it's especially satisfying to notice some guys who tried to flirt at me (never happened b4..). I danced till my feet almost rot (was wearing a new shoe... hard and painful) then finally sat down. After about 15 minutes, the nightclub bouncers were telling people to clear the building immedietely... apparently the fire alarm had been set off. (To any Malaysian in Malaysia reading this, don't be too shock coz false fire alarms here go off every so often everywhere that I bet no one here's ever worried that there's a real fire when they hear the alarm.. more like feeling very annoyed instead) Anyway we were forced to stand outside the premise. It was really chilly outside that I kept rubbing my arms. The guys standing beside me asked me twice whether I'm ok.. Things were going a bit chaotic at that time coz many guys were drunk and they were doing silly stuff like chanting and singing loudly and obstructing the traffic that the police came to control the crowd. Then I took a cab back with Lauren and Rachel. As I reached Whitworth Park, Claire actually phoned me to make sure that I've safely reached my place... how thoughtful was that? N that was the end of my one good drunk nightout.
The next day (yesterday), woke up early in the morning coz I was going to have an interview with a nursing agency at 1pm. I hadn't even filled in my application form or completed/print out my CV. The hang over didn't help as I was feeling so dizzy and tempted to go back to sleep. I was quite panic the whole morning, thinking that I'm gonna be so unprepared for the interview. But it turned out to be really good. The staff in the agency was really friendly. As expected, had to fill in more forms. I thought the whole thing went on really smoothly. I've got the references right, the criminal record check from Malaysian government, the many proof of identifications required for CRB check etc. The interview questions were relatively easy, mostly about common sense stuff that all medic students should know. Now I'll just have to arrange a time to attend the basic care course (4 days!) and wait for my CRB check and references to arrive before I can officially start working. Looking forward to the extra pocket money!
Exam's over. Well, not exactly over... another paper left (Progress test - contains year 1 -5 medics content) but we don't really have to pass it... so I'm not really bothered (I wonder when have I started to think like this... if it was half a year ago I would have stupidly bury myself with medical books to be learnt in five years time in this three days to hopefully pass the test... must be Lauren's influence - she's just so good at saying 'if we pass this time n fail next time it's bad;but if we fail this time n pass this time it good!)
I'd been working quite hard for the semester test since Christmas/new year time. But I don't think the effort actually completely paid off. The semester test paper was horrible. The stuff r just too detailed and I honestly have to say that I did random picking for almost every single questions in the paper. Gosh... I really hate to think about it.. N there were too many choices for each question that I just didn't have the energy to look through each choice thorough enough. That's why I'm really keeping my fingers crossed... that I'll pass this exam (that's my birthday wish)
After the exam, went to shop at Sainsbury Fallowfield with Wei Min (a fellow first year medics from Singapore). Glad to hear from her that I'm not the only one who thought the paper was complete rubbish. Then I went to the city centre to buy a foundation powder for my job interview the next day. Can't believe that I was actually doing that. I'm never a vain person, not even the slightest bit... But after mummy's critism about the pimples on my face, I started to feel a bit disgusted, of course don't know whether that's a good thing. All I know is that I'm now beginning to pay a bit of attention on cosmetic grooming which has never happened before in my life.
During the night, my PBL groupmates n I went out again for my belated birthday and post-exam celebration. Before meeting at OP bar, I went to Lauren's room (cause she was taking AGES to get ready...). She was wearing this 70s minidress and bought a wick which she would wear after that. At that time, I was just wearing a normal shirt and pants, and she literally rip me off and made me wear a shoulder bearing, sleeveless top and a short skirt, which I complied obediently. I felt weird and cold (she told me not to wear a jacket as well n it was a winter night!) as I'm not used to wearing revealing clothes like that. But I just told myself that I'm allowed to be crazy just for the night.. in conjunction with my 21st birthday... and I went a little too far by letting myself drunk again. I think I drank 4/5 glasses including a shot of whisky... which was my worst so far. I did enjoy myself on the dance floor thoroughly at The Ritz... it's especially satisfying to notice some guys who tried to flirt at me (never happened b4..). I danced till my feet almost rot (was wearing a new shoe... hard and painful) then finally sat down. After about 15 minutes, the nightclub bouncers were telling people to clear the building immedietely... apparently the fire alarm had been set off. (To any Malaysian in Malaysia reading this, don't be too shock coz false fire alarms here go off every so often everywhere that I bet no one here's ever worried that there's a real fire when they hear the alarm.. more like feeling very annoyed instead) Anyway we were forced to stand outside the premise. It was really chilly outside that I kept rubbing my arms. The guys standing beside me asked me twice whether I'm ok.. Things were going a bit chaotic at that time coz many guys were drunk and they were doing silly stuff like chanting and singing loudly and obstructing the traffic that the police came to control the crowd. Then I took a cab back with Lauren and Rachel. As I reached Whitworth Park, Claire actually phoned me to make sure that I've safely reached my place... how thoughtful was that? N that was the end of my one good drunk nightout.
The next day (yesterday), woke up early in the morning coz I was going to have an interview with a nursing agency at 1pm. I hadn't even filled in my application form or completed/print out my CV. The hang over didn't help as I was feeling so dizzy and tempted to go back to sleep. I was quite panic the whole morning, thinking that I'm gonna be so unprepared for the interview. But it turned out to be really good. The staff in the agency was really friendly. As expected, had to fill in more forms. I thought the whole thing went on really smoothly. I've got the references right, the criminal record check from Malaysian government, the many proof of identifications required for CRB check etc. The interview questions were relatively easy, mostly about common sense stuff that all medic students should know. Now I'll just have to arrange a time to attend the basic care course (4 days!) and wait for my CRB check and references to arrive before I can officially start working. Looking forward to the extra pocket money!
Sunday, January 1
What's Your True Color?
Yee Yen, your true color is Brown!
You're brown, a credible, stable color that's reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you're a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you're probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you're constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it's by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral color, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart.
http://uk.tickle.com/inv.html?inv=433261665102377779
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!
You're brown, a credible, stable color that's reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you're a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you're probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you're constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it's by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral color, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart.
http://uk.tickle.com/inv.html?inv=433261665102377779
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!
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