Arrogance

Last week, I was in the ward with two other final year medical students. I like being with them. They are so busy catching up with revision and I get to learn stuff essential for exams. One of them was really nice, teaching me lots of mnemonics and loved playing the teacher, quizzing me on various things and enthusiastically predicting the OSCE stations that may come up in my end of year exams. The other one was alright I thought, but he became more annoying as the day went. He didn't really want to engage in conversation with me and the other nice guy. And then later on, he observed my cannulation technique and kept on telling me all sorts, building up the pressure, and finally I thought he was quite happy that I failed so he could have a go. The nice guy said he's over the top, sometimes feeling that he's better than everyone else. He jokingly said that I would be like that in two years time.

Which really made me wonder. I could actually turn out to be arrogant like the other guy when I reach his stage. I don't want to turn out like that. But, really, can what should I do to avoid it? What should I do if I already know more than I should? I sometimes try to keep quiet to give others a chance and to not show off too much. But sometimes others may see that as arrogance. I have clear weaknesses too - everyone who knows me can tell that I can't make idle conservation easily and I rarely attend social events, which makes others misjudge me.

In a recent portfolio review, I told the tutor that I feel bad for taking extra initiative to learn more than I am expected to. And she told me that's nonsense. My most enjoyable placement was the SSC in A+E, not only because it was a great learning place, but also because I don't have to lower my standard according to the ability of the medical students of my year group. It's complicated.

At the end of the day, I don't want to be better than anyone else. I just want to be a good doctor, a doctor who knows my stuff well. I don't know how is it like to practise medicine in Malaysia. But I would expect less senior support given the shortage of doctors in the rural areas. So when I am alone in the deep jungle of Sabah treating the indigenous people, I don't want to make mistake on my patients because I haven't learn enough in medical school.

I need a diary. Blog is good but sometimes I really need to vent. And there are things that I can't write on the blog. I'm stressed at the moment. Boiling from inside. But I shall maintain my calm exterior.

Next year

A while ago, I have decided that I don't really want to be too actively involved in Medsin next year, although I'll probably still continue coordinating a project and do some training occasionally. But last week a friend said I should go for the post of Manchester Medsin president next year. Then I had a rethink - it's nice to know that there are people who think that I can do it. But, no thanks. For two reasons really.

Firstly, I have underestimated the time commitment necessary in the clinical years. It's true to an extent that most of the firm allows medical students to 'do whatever you want'. However that's exactly my problem - I love medicine so much that I don't mind being in hospital from 9-5 everyday, in fact I really want to. That makes me thoroughly satisfied but perpetually exhausted, leaving me with no energy to deal with attending meetings, sending and replying emails, chasing up with what's happening with the other student projects.

Secondly, I thought I really want to have a life of my own, specifically a get away from medicine. I've always wanted to join the choir, drama group, dance classes, learn foreign languages etc, but I choose medically related extra curricular activities over those for the past years in university. Next year will be my last before my final year, and I don't really want to leave university regretting because of not doing things that I've always wanted to do. And being the vice president for Medsin as well as a medical student this year (and coordinating Crossing Borders Manchester and working as a part time auxillary nurse), I just find myself really struggling to do anything properly. I have no social life at all - all my spare time is spent on catching up with some rest. So next year I just want to enjoy myself, not take on more responsibility than what I can cope with.