Do I have a problem?

I really don't want to bore anyone by the same old story of how worried I am for my coming exams. Sometimes I wonder, am I really worrying unnecessarily? I seem to be doing a hell lot more work than majority of my other medic friends, yet there's still this strong feeling of insufficiency lingering in me. It's really hardly surprising. In every other book I flip open, brand new chunks of information surface. This means that if I were to read 10 different books, 10 different books will give me different information on the same topic. I'm not even exaggerating. To top it all, the PBL method of determining learning objectives as a group from the cases just adds to the doubts about what exactly should we be learning. The unfairness comes in when some groups' tutors readily read out learning objectives provided in the tutor's casebook while tutors like ours would not even hint us if we are on the right track. How unhelpful is that?
Another issue with me is that I truly and really want to make the fullest of these two preclinical years to build up my foundation in the basic natural and behavioural sciences for my clinical years. I just have this thought that if I don't read up my stuff well, I'd be killing off patients. Sigh... How foolish of me to just have realise that there can be no such thing as 'knowing everything' in a topic.
And now, back to my usual exam time dilemma. I'm struggle to concentrate and keep my motivation high. I can discipline myself to sit with the book but half the time, I just could not force anything into my brain at all. It's really sad. I hope I'm not the only one having problem like this. And I really hope I can repeated my honours feat I accomplished last semester.
Just another unrelated complaint. I don't like my PBL group. I'm ok with most of them, but there are a few who just can't stop talking about what they themselves have experienced or heard from TV/aunt/'somewhere'. Literally half the PBL session is always wasted on these trivial, rubbishy conversations between these 3/4 people in the group. When I was the chair, I tried really hard to minimize those rubbish (especially on the second session) but I ended up making everyone feel tensed. Well, at least we've managed to make full use of the one hour session. Now I just dread going to PBL sessions because of these few people.

My holiday

Some people find pleasure in shopping, some find travelling enjoyable. I just happen to be interested in something different, for my concept of having a 'meaningful' holiday is not really that of discovering places or a shopping spree. Last week, I attended a basic care course for the health care assistant job I applied for. It included three days of classroom lessons and one day of supervised placement in a nursing home.

Basic Care Course
The first three days was rather boring as most of the stuff taught were already being covered in greater detail in the medical course. There were three other medical students who attended the course (Three second years) and we gave the instructor a hand in teaching on many occasions. I felt a bit amused when the instructor kept calling us 'doctors'... as much as I like being called 'doctor', I know that it was not right. It's also been great to be able to meet groups of people I am not accustomed to. There were a few middle age women who obviously come from a lower socioeconomic group and have to work round the clock to meet ends. It was also nice to meet people from different nationalities and explore their different motivations for going into nursing. Everyone had extraordinary experiences and each of them had a different story to tell. I'd never expect to meet anyone from Sierra Lione, a miserable, war-torn country that I'd only read about in books and papers. Another bonus was that having the opportunity to practise taking the radial, brachial and carotid pulses and measuring blood pressure, which will be tested in my coming OSCE exams in May.

Mentorship in nursing home
That placement was an eye opener to me and I truly appreciated the the opportunity. The three days of basic care course taught us much about nursing and moving and handling, but it didn't prepare us for what we're about to see in real healthcare setting. Eventhough I've expected to help patients with cleaning and washing, I assumed a higher level of independence from patient themselves. The old folks in the nursing home that I attended to were almost completely dependent on two or three carers to help them in the most simple things you do when you wake up in the morning. Some can't even get out of bed at all. Though I didn't mind helping the patients out at all, I did feel quite embarassed at the beginning. Why did the patients so willingly trust the carers to attend to the most intimate parts of the body, I wondered. Nevertheless I realize soon enough that that's the way it has to be. I had a real trouble communicating with the old folks - I just don't understand them. Nearly all of them don't speak clearly, and many couldn't express themselves as clearly they wish to. So, for the entire day, I either ignored the patients' babbling or just responded a smile. I know that's bad but there's not much I can do about it for that day. In a way, I felt the rush and stress of running around and attending patients for the whole morning. On the whole, it's not exactly the most pleasant job in the world, yet I found it extremely rewarding. I did feel a little disgusted at the beginning, but it's definitely better that dissection. And having said that, it must've been at least 10 times worse for the patients. Caring for the old folks reminded me strongly the fact that we will get old and sick one day and that the vainity that I'm chasing day after day now will eventually come to an end. There'll also possiblity be a day when I will succumb to a state in which I'll lose my self-dignity entirely.

Our lives will eventually come to an end one day. That will be the day when we ask ourselves: What have I done in my entire life? Sometimes I do wonder why the hell am I wasting off my 'glorious years' not doing things that I might not be able to do a few year later. And my conscience has given me the answer. I am indeed extremely lucky to be fit and healthy, to have the most wonderful family in the world, to be brought up in the best environment possible, to be relatively intelligent and to get into medical school to do what I've always wanted to. There are too many people in this world that are not as privileged as I am. While I have the capacity and resources, I want to make a difference in others' lives. I believe by showing that I care, I can inspire. And I truly hope that, by doing so, I've played a part in making this world a better place.

Stupid friendship - Worth all the tears?

I had a small argument with mum yesterday through the phone and it got me thinking. Last night my mind was full of resentment. I was feeling quite bored here and all I wanted was some of her spare time to talk to me. Is that too much to ask for? I do not have many friends to be with throughout holiday as my mates are on holiday at home now. And she kept bombarding me about my failure to make friends with Malaysians, that's why I ended up alienated. But that's not true. I have the right to choose my companies. And my choice is not unreasonable. I just like to be with people who share my interest and people who care for me, who bother to make me feel not-left-out whenever possible. Why does she always have to criticize the way I do things? The words she used really HURTFUL. She said I was arrogant. I only want to make friends with mat salleh. Malaysians are too low class for me. That's why people deliberately leave me out all the time. THAT's NOT TRUE! It just happens that no Malaysians that I know are interested in voluntary work and martial arts. Nor am I interested in things like shopping and travelling that most of my Malaysian friends are frantically crazy about. She keeps thinking that I ought to be like her when she was in London for her nursing training 20 years back. I'm not like her, or any other ordinary people. I am unique, a loner you can say. I am like that since I was in form 4 or 5, when I began to break lose from the chain of close friendship that sort of keeps me from reaching my potentials. I don't need companies for the sake of reassurance and security. Friends are great, but acquintances demand a lot of time, energy and often sacrifies. That's why I choose to not have any. That's why I've decided to not get married. I believe in the Buddhism philosophy that all these vanity are simply human's effort to fill in feeling of inadequacy, which are all really illusions and will eventually come to an end. I know what I want to achieve in my life and I will do whatever it takes to make them happen, whether my so-called friends approve of them or not. I know it's rather a shame that I see friendship this way, but I just do not appreciate friendship as much as most people do, and I haven't really had any best friend who really really really care for me. I used to think some of them do, but time has proven otherwise. Family's always the only place where I could turn to. So, here I am, feeling bored, called back home and had mummy telling me to go and make an effort to befriend Malaysians and don't be the one excluded next time. Isn't that fantastic?
I hope mum doesn't read this. I know she can't really tolarate critism, or even an alternative way of thinking. You people reading this, especially pa, yeeleng, wancheng, wanlee and wanteng, please don't tell mummy about this. What I've written here comes from the bottom of my heart. However, since I've been tearing all day and night, I know this is one of the very rare moments when emotion has overuled my sensible thinking mind. These may not make sense even when I read this entry again tomorrow. Yet, my principle stands. I will not 'go and make an effort' in search for vain friendship just for the sake of having to look not lonely on the surface. I've tried that. Faking up laugh for their not-so-funny jokes was hell and I still feel empty inside. So, why bother?