Am I doing it right?

Am I doing everything right? Am I doing anything right at all? Don't know. I've been pondering these questions over and over and over again these few days.

The christmas holiday has started and I've been spending most of the first week of the holiday in the library - working on the psychosocial topics that I've conveniently skip through while working with the cases throughout the semester. A chat with my psychology lecturer really gave me a sense of seriousness about not doing enough about the psychosocial content in the PBL cases, as she put it "but it is of real concern that you have left it so late in the semester to consider these issues". Though I'm fairly satisfied with my disciplince in working and reading about, I can't help but feel extremely frustrated with the uncertainty about exactly what and how much detail to cover. That's the problem with PBL - we just have go round and round the topic without knowing what exactly to learn. Being a perfectionist, I really hate this because it seems that I just want to read everything in the books - just in case I miss something that'll come out in the exam. I need a strategy. I know I need to focus but I just feel unsafe and guilty not to learn and swallow as much as I can. It's not really with the course but my attitude - the perfectionist attitude. I feel so helpless because I don't know who to turn to and express my worries. I don't want to ask my lecturer stupid questions on what and how to focus when I kind of know what and how to do it already yet I can't make myself do it. Aghhhh!! This is getting way too complicated! Other people doesn't seem to have that kind of problem... I really need more of their attitude - the happy-go-lucky spirit.

On the other hand, I find reading topics on psychology quite enjoyable (Only if I can read it as a storybook and don't have to be examined on it...). The more I read, the more I'm convinced about the complexity of human behaviour, to an extreme that one can NEVER understand fully human behaviour. Many experiments and studies psychologists did just raised so many doubts even as I was reading them that I can hardly believe them. There's almost not one single experiment that has any constant variable.. yet they proclaimed to have discover a 'breakthrough'.. how amusing? You see, that's another reason I think psychology is not something worth examining as it is often hardly scientifically valid. There's one experiment that's really caught my attention: the infamous Stanford Prison Experiment by Zimbardo n co (www.prisonexp.org). I thought it was a horrible experiment that it can only happen in movies - too unethical and unprofessionally designed n done.

I think I'd better get back to the psychology n social psychology books so that I can visit Lauren's house over christmas with peace of mind... if u know what I mean.

Your Personality Profile

You are happy, driven, and status conscious. You want everyone to know how successful you are. Very logical, you see life as a game of strategy. A bit of a loner, you prefer to depend on yourself. You always keep your cool and your composure. You are a born leader and business person.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Motivational Problem

How I long for my old self... The all-time highly desirable and highly motivated yeeyen... My energy level's just so low these days that I think I can't control myself anymore.
It started on case 5, which is on immunology (T-cells n B-cells). I couldn't finish my PBL work. The scope of material to cover was simply indefinite n it seems like every learning objective = 1 chapter in the immunology book (N we had 30 odd learning objectives). I endeavour to finish it nevertheless but I realize soon enough that it's just ridiculous... I'll never get this done. N suddenly it struck me to these question: Why am I doing all these? Is it worth it? Stressing myself up night after night for something that I know I'm not capable of finishing? What was I trying to do? To impress? To be perfect?
When Eric Bell gave his first lecture on immunology, he said 'immunology is a very difficult subject'. I didn't believe him, I mean, how hard can it be? Now I think I know what he meant. It's just so difficult to link up the bits n pieces we learn everywhere n form a big picture. I'm seriously confused. I think I'm slightly better off now that we're at case 6 (about autoimmunity n SLE) as I begin to get a glimpse of the whole picture. Tuesday's PBL was enjoyable as I took the advantage of being the scribe to use the board to explain my understanding, which I thought I was excellant. So I thought I'm back on track already. Yet yesterday that down feeling was bothering me again, and I just couldn't do anything else other than wasting time in front of the computer... I don't even have the strength to tell myself to STOP n force myself to turn open a book.. it's THAT bad! Yesterday I didn't even eat a single meal, just fed on biscuits and potato chips. Am I suffering from depression?

I have so many things kept in my heart that I want to pour it out this instant but I think it's not safe enough for me to do that here. I desperately need to talk to someone.. to rant about my pitiful story. I don't need advice, I'm sure I'll b able to handle them given a bit more time. I just need a lending ear.

Bad Day

Bad Day
by Daniel Powter

Where is the moment when we need it the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue sky's faded to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carrying on

Stand in the line just ahead of the law
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carrying on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carrying on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

Sometimes the system goes on the blink and the whole thing it turns out
Wrong
You might not make it back and you know that you could be well oh that
Strong
Well I'm not wrong
yeaheyeah!

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You see what you like
and how does it feel one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Not that my day's bad... Just like this song so much! Thanks Yee Leng for sending this song to me! In the mean time, I'm sick... have chest infection, flu, fever n bad coughing... Why? Combination of self-induced stress, weather n a bit of poor diet I suppose...

By the way, this is the 'salam aidilfitri' picture that appears in utusan. Have a look!

Why do I always have odd dreams nowadays?

Now I'm beginning to believe that what u think is what u'll dream. Yesterday was quite fun... started the Dr Eric Bell on immunology. Interesting oldman... I'd actually understand the concepts so well after his lecture, maybe because the content are mostly just a refreshment for what I've done in IB Biology. Then we had PBL, which was fine... as usual I contributed whatever I knew n it was just fine really. Yet somehow I just felt uncomfortable, perhaps because I was sitting beside Rob (our tutor) - the last time I sat beside him, I didn't even made a sound throughout the whole PBL. Otherwise I honestly didn't know what's the problem with me. I just felt so down after PBL, didn't joint the rest to eat at the student union (N partly because I have financial constraint as well). I went straight up to the third floor for the library, n met Dr Melissa Westwood on the stairs (Exchange a bit of 'how r u' 'i'm fine thanks'). The library's so noisy.. really hate the Stopford Library sometimes, these people just won't keep their voice down. Managed to copy something on psychosocial aspects of HIV/AIDS from the very highly demanded 'Psychology n Sociology Applied to Medicine' book. Then I proceeded on reading up a little bit of anatomy for dissection session later on.
For the first time we were really going to dissect on the cadever. I felt really excited about it. We were going to look around the pectoral girdle, that includes all the bones, muscles, joints, nerves, vessels etc. The blades that we used was really sharp, u can easily cut through the skin even without using any strength. It's really not like any other sessions when most of us gets sleepy. When I finished washing my hands, I meant to turn off the tap but turn towards the wrong end n the water splashed out n got Phil all wet! Haha! ('Cheers for that!' he said to me...)
After dissection our PBL group went to Wagamama at the city centre, some Korean restaurant. The food was expensive, but it's not bad n the portion's quite big. Viv n John brought their girlfriends. It's really a pleasant surprise to learn what they tell their girlfriends about me, and also how my other PBL-mates told their friends about me. Liz n Sara (Viv n John's girlfriends) told me that they said I bring life to the group n makes this whoel dull PBL learning more fun n interesting... u know, that we have something to laugh about to lighten ourselves in the midst of discussion about body parts n molecular biochemistry stuff. I'm really happy to learn that because I personally don't remember bringing any life to any group of people that I've been with. I was always the nerd, only concerned with serious stuff - n I thought I still am now... Just don't understand how these people think...
I had a long day. Came back, bathe quickly n went to bed straight away. I didn't really sleep well coz my flat's so noisy upstairs. But I remember dreaming about going to a GP placement myself in a teenage female patient's house (I was talking to Adil about our GP placement at Wagamama). I was suppose to report to Dr Melissa Westwood (She's not medically trained in real life) but another female doc has came to replace her. She injected this girl with a really long n fat n big syringe, to draw blood apparently. When the doc has filled up almost three quarter of the syringe the girl suddenly push the blood back into the body saying 'thats too much!'.. After that I left the house with a nurse, a black lady. She agreed to give me a ride n drop me off at Oxford Road. It turned out that she understands Malay n asked me to join her for dinner at a restaurant. N even more surprisingly, the restaurant really looks like the one our family always go to (Si yao fook's neighboor) n apparently her husband's a Malaysian high rank military officer! Isn't that weird?

Soaking...

Today's rain's the heaviest rain that I've been exposed since I arrived Manchester. It's just crazy! Everything from my top all the way to the bottom was wet even was my brand new umbrella. N worse, my PBL Casebook's a bit wet as well... die la... how am I going to study for the rest of the semester? I can't even stand my books/notes being scribbled/folded at the edges... Guess this is the perfect opportunity to put my plan of quiting the perfectionist attitude to test... still have to go thru it whether I like it or not...
Now I'm gonna show you some pictures of my PBL-mates that I've been talking about. Today's PBL's alright... explain a bit on cAMP n Calcium ion messengers in hormones' action on target cells on the white board. N they laughed at me for pronouncing the word "threat" wrongly for the first time n quickily cover it up as though it never happened. After that, as usual, we went to the Steve Biko cafe at the Student Union for brunch - thats where n when I took these pictures.

Uzo n Anisha
Jeff, Tom n Lauren
Claire n I
Viv (back), John n Lauren
Rachel, I n Rhys

Adil's not in. But I promise I'll put up one of his pictures soon. For more photos n details descriptions, plz visit http://www.picturetrails.com/tyee_yen

Another funny PBL...

So far PBL had never been dull n yesterday I had yet another exciting n funny PBL session. We were starting case 4 - about this vertically challenged guy, Angus. Since this case's so much about guys and their growth around puberty, I posed some questions to the guys to try n understand some physiological n mental changes around adolescence among the guys - U know, first hand account's always better than textbook description, isn't it? They told me some normal stuff which I could find out in textbooks, not the more intimate but typical things that happened. Then something struck me n I opened my mouth saying "When do you have wet dreams?", n all in the room went stunned for about 2 seconds, even Robert (our PBL tutor), n then just burst out laughing non stop without having my question answered. Rite... I wasn't expecting that... I didn't mean to be rude, honestly. I was just curious.. u know, not having many guys growing up with me. N I remember Fido saying that in Islam wetdream is the first indication of puberty in male, so I was just wondering about its authenticity. After that I learnt from Rob, John, Viv n Rhys that it's not culturally appropriate to openly talk about wetdreams here. It's quite shocking that even here in a Western country people are not ready to be open enough to talk about private stuff like that for scientific purposes. I'd definitely learnt something useful today.
Meanwhile I'd always been picked up to be bullied by the guys.. John's been nice, 'educating' me about Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan and Eric Clapton while Viv and Rhys had been teaching me nonsense (They told me the 'ogh' sound's generated each time you have sex...what rubbish..) Dissection's ever interesting. Besides examining (and smelling) the bodies, the guys were taking every opportunity to pick on me. Last week, some of the guys had to pull of their shirt for some living anatomy learning. Rhys was examined by all the girls (obviuosly including me) n then Viv hid Rhys's shirt, then told him it was me who did it because I wanted to see him naked longer... I felt annoyed, but at the same time felt funny n couldn't help laughing. I'm really happy to be with this PBL group... reminds me of the M03P guys who always kacau me...
And because I'm a perfectionist n worked hard for every PBL cases, it seems like I'm the 'Miss Know-it-all' in PBL. I enjoy the label to an extent, but prefer not to be labelled like that. It makes people feel uncomfortable in the group. I prefer to be seen equal to everybody. Perhaps its good for me to shut up once in a while n pretend to be stupid for a while so that other people's self esteem can recover and rebuild. In this way it'd be easier for me to work with anyone in the group. I can't deny that I've got a headstart at disciplining myself to work hard - I'd been drilled to do that all my life, yet I obviously slack in other stuff that normal people around my age should know about...