How I long for my old self... The all-time highly desirable and highly motivated yeeyen... My energy level's just so low these days that I think I can't control myself anymore.
It started on case 5, which is on immunology (T-cells n B-cells). I couldn't finish my PBL work. The scope of material to cover was simply indefinite n it seems like every learning objective = 1 chapter in the immunology book (N we had 30 odd learning objectives). I endeavour to finish it nevertheless but I realize soon enough that it's just ridiculous... I'll never get this done. N suddenly it struck me to these question: Why am I doing all these? Is it worth it? Stressing myself up night after night for something that I know I'm not capable of finishing? What was I trying to do? To impress? To be perfect?
When Eric Bell gave his first lecture on immunology, he said 'immunology is a very difficult subject'. I didn't believe him, I mean, how hard can it be? Now I think I know what he meant. It's just so difficult to link up the bits n pieces we learn everywhere n form a big picture. I'm seriously confused. I think I'm slightly better off now that we're at case 6 (about autoimmunity n SLE) as I begin to get a glimpse of the whole picture. Tuesday's PBL was enjoyable as I took the advantage of being the scribe to use the board to explain my understanding, which I thought I was excellant. So I thought I'm back on track already. Yet yesterday that down feeling was bothering me again, and I just couldn't do anything else other than wasting time in front of the computer... I don't even have the strength to tell myself to STOP n force myself to turn open a book.. it's THAT bad! Yesterday I didn't even eat a single meal, just fed on biscuits and potato chips. Am I suffering from depression?
I have so many things kept in my heart that I want to pour it out this instant but I think it's not safe enough for me to do that here. I desperately need to talk to someone.. to rant about my pitiful story. I don't need advice, I'm sure I'll b able to handle them given a bit more time. I just need a lending ear.
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What you are currently going through is PERFECTLY normal.
I have endured this before [and trust me, I still do], so I know EXACTLY how you feel. There are so many times when I found the workload incredibly overwhelming, and that got me thinking, "Why the hell did I end up taking medicine???", despite the fact I've always wanted to be in this line! *sheepish grin*
And of course I've endured those times where I started binge-eating and do nothing except wasting away in front of the screen and hibernating. Does that sound familiar to you? =p
I'm guessing we have been putting too much pressure on ourselves, striving to be perfectionists where such an aim is almost impossible in the world of medicine. Our line is dynamic, ever-changing. So much so that new things are being discovered even as I type this comment. So many things to learn, and so little time to understand them all...
This phase will pass, I assure you. Try not to worry too much, and breathe a little!
Carpe diem.
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