Testosterone shift

I don't like working in psychiatry wards. The job itself may seem relaxing but I just feel mentally drained each time I finish a mental health shift. I was working in a male psychiatric intensive care unit (PICU) today. I was really scared when I first went in (but I was experienced enough to put on a confident face) because all the guys looked so strong and muscular, and they talked about how they want to kill each other all the time.

I had a good chat with T, who was charged with a criminal offence and held in for psychiatric review. He is just one year older than me and I hated him calling me 'miss'. Then D, a really muscular big guy, came along to chat with me. But then, I felt really uncomfortable when he wanted to share a chair with me and asked me to be his girlfriend. When D started putting his arm around my shoulders, I genuinely felt I wanted to get off, and the other two staff told him to keep his hands off me as well. He did, but he just wouldn't stop asking me to go out and give him my mobile number. At that time I was doing a 1:1 observation with T, but T walked away and went to talk to another staff. So I followed. Apparently he was upset about D's indecency towards me. He told me to keep on smiling and not let D get me down, but in fact it he who let D bring him down. He was at the verge of puncing D. I was so happy that he was able to control himself. However later on, they both nearly broke out into a big fight again because of this.

I felt slightly guilty. I suppose it's partly my fault. It wasn't because I was flitatious in any way (I do not wear make up, I wear conservative clothes and my hair is always tied on a pony tail. I take 5 minutes to dress). I am just never good at asserting myself. I am too nice to people. I said 'no' to D, but when he said 'come on.. why.. (blablabla)' I didn't reaffirm myself with another firm 'no'. But I was scared, the other staff said he has a problem with authority (and I can tell from interacting with him), what if he starts to be aggressive to me when I contradict him? I seriously didn't know what to do. I just tried not to react too much when he tried to get my attention. Anyway I finished my shift unharmed. What a relief...

Despite what I've said earlier, this has been one of my best shift. The reason being that I was able to have a proper conversation with T, not the usual patronising, 'pretending to listen but not really taking in' that I do with many patients. Maybe it's because we are of a similar age group, so we can relate to each other more. Today I've had a fantastic lesson listening to an experienced nurse talking therapeutically to T, and I really respected him for being able to speak so wisely. But I think I'm just too young to speak like that, for if anything like that comes out of my mouth it would sound more patronising than actual wisdom.

Finally I just want to mention that my favourite psychiatric illness is bipolar disorder. Extremely fascinating!