Nightmare

I don't usually remember my dream but last night was an exception. In the ward I was working yesterday, there was a patient, RH, who was a bed bound patient, confused and noisy. He kept shouting very loudly for attention. He wanted help to make him more comfortable, which required arranging the pillows and moving him up the bed. I tried my best but he still wasn't comfy. So I asked for someone else to help me. But everyone else was busy, and later on I became busy with other patients as well. I told him I'd be back but I just couldn't get anyone else to help me. So he was left there shouting on top of his voice. The other nurses told me to just ignore him. And last night, I dreamt that he died. I was cleaning his room after he'd gone. And I distinctly remember feeling so guilty.

This must be the worst kind of nightmare that a person with my job (with conscience) can have, knowing that I have not done my best to make sure a person die a good death. It has actually happened once in real life. During the first week of my clinical year, this old man kept telling us that he was in pain and he was not comfortable at all. We tried to make him comfortable to no avail. So he kept complaining. And the other nurses told us to ignore him. On the next day when I came on my shift, his bed was empty. Apparently he passed away the night before. I remembered being so overwhelmed by a strong feeling of sadness and guilt. That's why after that I always take any patient's concern genuinely. It doesn't matter whether they are confused or manipulative. If a person is in pain, he or she will know best.

A while ago, we had a group discussion on an interesting topic on the role of a doctor. When I say 'Hi, my name is Yee Yen and I am your doctor', what does that actually mean? Should a doctor only be dealing with the medical side of things and leave everything else to the designated professionals? I once had spent half an hour holding an old lady's hand so she could fall asleep without fear - would that be little too much of a 'touchy-feely' job for a doctor to do? I don't think so. I think a doctor is part of the big team of health care professionals who work towards the overall well being of a patient, and a doctor should do everything he or she can to support the colleagues. And most of all I think being compassionate is just the basic attribute that every health care professionals should have. If one can't demonstrate that, he or she doesn't deserve a patient's trust to work as a health professional.