Friday, August 29
Back to uni
I hate being back to uni. I'm so tired. Trying to overhaul my sleep pattern. And trying to overcome the residual laziness from holiday. Some many other things about hating to start again. Too many.
Thursday, August 21
Angry
I don't usually get angry when I'm at work. The hospital that I normally work at is fantastic, and I think the patients in this hospital are very lucky to receive such great care. Today was an exception.
H is a 94 year old man who has 'deteriorated' and 'dying'. Eventhough he couldn't express himself in words, if he is in distress, his body language would tell. It was 10 minutes before the end of my shift when I discovered his hands stained with poo, so was his blankets. He was in a mess. I looked at the clock. There was no way I could clean him up in 10 minutes on my own. So I asked for help from a permanent staff, she told me to ask the night staff as they had begin their shift 5 minutes ago. But the night staff said no. They were making themselves a brew and I had to ask another day staff (agency) who kindly agreed to help. We both went home 15 minutes later than we were supposed to.
I didn't mind staying longer to help a patient in need. I just felt bad for dragging the other girl along. The thing is, how can anyone prioritize having a cup of tea over cleaning up a dying patient literally covered in poo? That just left me fuming for a bit. I could have left H sleeping on his poo and go off duty, but I just couldn't do it. I really can't say for others, but if I'm the one dying, I won't want to be left in that state at all. And I believe in karma if I choose to ignore, things will get back on me in one way or another.
I think I did the right thing and had the right to be slightly angry.
H is a 94 year old man who has 'deteriorated' and 'dying'. Eventhough he couldn't express himself in words, if he is in distress, his body language would tell. It was 10 minutes before the end of my shift when I discovered his hands stained with poo, so was his blankets. He was in a mess. I looked at the clock. There was no way I could clean him up in 10 minutes on my own. So I asked for help from a permanent staff, she told me to ask the night staff as they had begin their shift 5 minutes ago. But the night staff said no. They were making themselves a brew and I had to ask another day staff (agency) who kindly agreed to help. We both went home 15 minutes later than we were supposed to.
I didn't mind staying longer to help a patient in need. I just felt bad for dragging the other girl along. The thing is, how can anyone prioritize having a cup of tea over cleaning up a dying patient literally covered in poo? That just left me fuming for a bit. I could have left H sleeping on his poo and go off duty, but I just couldn't do it. I really can't say for others, but if I'm the one dying, I won't want to be left in that state at all. And I believe in karma if I choose to ignore, things will get back on me in one way or another.
I think I did the right thing and had the right to be slightly angry.
Friday, August 15
Olympics
Just watched the men badminton single's semifinal which featured top Malaysian player Lee Chong Wei. Gosh it was so exciting to watch. I kept jumping up and down, huffing and puffing, cheering and shouting, clapping and banging my table. It's funny to listen to those BBC commentators talking. They kept saying that Lee is 'a reactive player', 'lack urgency', 'passive' etc and I kept shouting 'shut up you two!', 'don't say things like that about my countryman!'. It was a really good match. Finally when Chong Wei won, I really felt for him and there were tears in my eye. I sincerely hope he'll go all out and win the gold back for Malaysia!
MALAYSIA BOLEH!
MALAYSIA BOLEH!
Monday, August 11
Nightmare
I don't usually remember my dream but last night was an exception. In the ward I was working yesterday, there was a patient, RH, who was a bed bound patient, confused and noisy. He kept shouting very loudly for attention. He wanted help to make him more comfortable, which required arranging the pillows and moving him up the bed. I tried my best but he still wasn't comfy. So I asked for someone else to help me. But everyone else was busy, and later on I became busy with other patients as well. I told him I'd be back but I just couldn't get anyone else to help me. So he was left there shouting on top of his voice. The other nurses told me to just ignore him. And last night, I dreamt that he died. I was cleaning his room after he'd gone. And I distinctly remember feeling so guilty.
This must be the worst kind of nightmare that a person with my job (with conscience) can have, knowing that I have not done my best to make sure a person die a good death. It has actually happened once in real life. During the first week of my clinical year, this old man kept telling us that he was in pain and he was not comfortable at all. We tried to make him comfortable to no avail. So he kept complaining. And the other nurses told us to ignore him. On the next day when I came on my shift, his bed was empty. Apparently he passed away the night before. I remembered being so overwhelmed by a strong feeling of sadness and guilt. That's why after that I always take any patient's concern genuinely. It doesn't matter whether they are confused or manipulative. If a person is in pain, he or she will know best.
A while ago, we had a group discussion on an interesting topic on the role of a doctor. When I say 'Hi, my name is Yee Yen and I am your doctor', what does that actually mean? Should a doctor only be dealing with the medical side of things and leave everything else to the designated professionals? I once had spent half an hour holding an old lady's hand so she could fall asleep without fear - would that be little too much of a 'touchy-feely' job for a doctor to do? I don't think so. I think a doctor is part of the big team of health care professionals who work towards the overall well being of a patient, and a doctor should do everything he or she can to support the colleagues. And most of all I think being compassionate is just the basic attribute that every health care professionals should have. If one can't demonstrate that, he or she doesn't deserve a patient's trust to work as a health professional.
This must be the worst kind of nightmare that a person with my job (with conscience) can have, knowing that I have not done my best to make sure a person die a good death. It has actually happened once in real life. During the first week of my clinical year, this old man kept telling us that he was in pain and he was not comfortable at all. We tried to make him comfortable to no avail. So he kept complaining. And the other nurses told us to ignore him. On the next day when I came on my shift, his bed was empty. Apparently he passed away the night before. I remembered being so overwhelmed by a strong feeling of sadness and guilt. That's why after that I always take any patient's concern genuinely. It doesn't matter whether they are confused or manipulative. If a person is in pain, he or she will know best.
A while ago, we had a group discussion on an interesting topic on the role of a doctor. When I say 'Hi, my name is Yee Yen and I am your doctor', what does that actually mean? Should a doctor only be dealing with the medical side of things and leave everything else to the designated professionals? I once had spent half an hour holding an old lady's hand so she could fall asleep without fear - would that be little too much of a 'touchy-feely' job for a doctor to do? I don't think so. I think a doctor is part of the big team of health care professionals who work towards the overall well being of a patient, and a doctor should do everything he or she can to support the colleagues. And most of all I think being compassionate is just the basic attribute that every health care professionals should have. If one can't demonstrate that, he or she doesn't deserve a patient's trust to work as a health professional.
Tuesday, August 5
Mathematics in french
We learnt simple mathematics in french today and it had been very very difficult. The process of thought just takes so long. In english, malay or mandarin, I can do 34-12 = 22 in 2 seconds. In french, it took me about 2 minutes to work out and say out the whole thing. I have to change the number from french to english, then calculate in english then translate the answer into french again. Seriously math has never been this hard for me ever...
Monday, August 4
Testosterone shift
I don't like working in psychiatry wards. The job itself may seem relaxing but I just feel mentally drained each time I finish a mental health shift. I was working in a male psychiatric intensive care unit (PICU) today. I was really scared when I first went in (but I was experienced enough to put on a confident face) because all the guys looked so strong and muscular, and they talked about how they want to kill each other all the time.
I had a good chat with T, who was charged with a criminal offence and held in for psychiatric review. He is just one year older than me and I hated him calling me 'miss'. Then D, a really muscular big guy, came along to chat with me. But then, I felt really uncomfortable when he wanted to share a chair with me and asked me to be his girlfriend. When D started putting his arm around my shoulders, I genuinely felt I wanted to get off, and the other two staff told him to keep his hands off me as well. He did, but he just wouldn't stop asking me to go out and give him my mobile number. At that time I was doing a 1:1 observation with T, but T walked away and went to talk to another staff. So I followed. Apparently he was upset about D's indecency towards me. He told me to keep on smiling and not let D get me down, but in fact it he who let D bring him down. He was at the verge of puncing D. I was so happy that he was able to control himself. However later on, they both nearly broke out into a big fight again because of this.
I felt slightly guilty. I suppose it's partly my fault. It wasn't because I was flitatious in any way (I do not wear make up, I wear conservative clothes and my hair is always tied on a pony tail. I take 5 minutes to dress). I am just never good at asserting myself. I am too nice to people. I said 'no' to D, but when he said 'come on.. why.. (blablabla)' I didn't reaffirm myself with another firm 'no'. But I was scared, the other staff said he has a problem with authority (and I can tell from interacting with him), what if he starts to be aggressive to me when I contradict him? I seriously didn't know what to do. I just tried not to react too much when he tried to get my attention. Anyway I finished my shift unharmed. What a relief...
Despite what I've said earlier, this has been one of my best shift. The reason being that I was able to have a proper conversation with T, not the usual patronising, 'pretending to listen but not really taking in' that I do with many patients. Maybe it's because we are of a similar age group, so we can relate to each other more. Today I've had a fantastic lesson listening to an experienced nurse talking therapeutically to T, and I really respected him for being able to speak so wisely. But I think I'm just too young to speak like that, for if anything like that comes out of my mouth it would sound more patronising than actual wisdom.
Finally I just want to mention that my favourite psychiatric illness is bipolar disorder. Extremely fascinating!
I had a good chat with T, who was charged with a criminal offence and held in for psychiatric review. He is just one year older than me and I hated him calling me 'miss'. Then D, a really muscular big guy, came along to chat with me. But then, I felt really uncomfortable when he wanted to share a chair with me and asked me to be his girlfriend. When D started putting his arm around my shoulders, I genuinely felt I wanted to get off, and the other two staff told him to keep his hands off me as well. He did, but he just wouldn't stop asking me to go out and give him my mobile number. At that time I was doing a 1:1 observation with T, but T walked away and went to talk to another staff. So I followed. Apparently he was upset about D's indecency towards me. He told me to keep on smiling and not let D get me down, but in fact it he who let D bring him down. He was at the verge of puncing D. I was so happy that he was able to control himself. However later on, they both nearly broke out into a big fight again because of this.
I felt slightly guilty. I suppose it's partly my fault. It wasn't because I was flitatious in any way (I do not wear make up, I wear conservative clothes and my hair is always tied on a pony tail. I take 5 minutes to dress). I am just never good at asserting myself. I am too nice to people. I said 'no' to D, but when he said 'come on.. why.. (blablabla)' I didn't reaffirm myself with another firm 'no'. But I was scared, the other staff said he has a problem with authority (and I can tell from interacting with him), what if he starts to be aggressive to me when I contradict him? I seriously didn't know what to do. I just tried not to react too much when he tried to get my attention. Anyway I finished my shift unharmed. What a relief...
Despite what I've said earlier, this has been one of my best shift. The reason being that I was able to have a proper conversation with T, not the usual patronising, 'pretending to listen but not really taking in' that I do with many patients. Maybe it's because we are of a similar age group, so we can relate to each other more. Today I've had a fantastic lesson listening to an experienced nurse talking therapeutically to T, and I really respected him for being able to speak so wisely. But I think I'm just too young to speak like that, for if anything like that comes out of my mouth it would sound more patronising than actual wisdom.
Finally I just want to mention that my favourite psychiatric illness is bipolar disorder. Extremely fascinating!
Stripping yourself naked, emotionally
S is a driver of the nursing agency I work for. He brings us to and from hospital which is miles away. I am not much of a chatter in a minibus especially as I feel sick really quickly. So I've not really know him much eventhough we've met on quite a few occasions now, but I know he's a really nice fella. Today he picked me up first and we spent about 20 minutes waiting outside another place for the other carers. I thought it would be awkward to just keep quiet, so I started chatting. We talked about the journey, the agency and our jobs. Then he said something unexpected. He told me about his low mood, about problems in life and how this job is just to force him to get out of the depressive mood. I didn't know how to react. If I were with my patient, I would sit down and have a proper chat to find out more. Yet just now I wasn't sure if I should dwell in at all. It just didn't feelt very natural - would you tell someone about things like relationship problems to a stranger? I wouldn't. I just listened. Our conversation abruptly ended as people started getting onto the minibus. It has given me a lot to think about. He has certainly hidden his low mood very well as I'd never have guessed that he's just barely coping. It challenged my judgement on people's mental state based on their behaviours.
But why did he tell me those things? In my last GP placement, I had the privillage of sitting in with a clinical psychologist in one of her therapy sessions. I can tell that these sessions were very painful for the patients because they relive their terrible ordeal. I personally am quite an expressive person, but I (and everyone else I suppose) have bad memories that I shall never ever want to think about. Making me think and talk about them would be akin to stripping myself naked. It would make me feel extremely insecure and allow others to invade me. So what made a S tell me about things so intimate to a stranger like myself? Was it normal? Was it an outburst? Was it because I was in my nurse uniform and I told him that I'm a medical student? Was it not really stripping himself naked emotionally after all, or was he simple not an emotional virgin anymore?
But why did he tell me those things? In my last GP placement, I had the privillage of sitting in with a clinical psychologist in one of her therapy sessions. I can tell that these sessions were very painful for the patients because they relive their terrible ordeal. I personally am quite an expressive person, but I (and everyone else I suppose) have bad memories that I shall never ever want to think about. Making me think and talk about them would be akin to stripping myself naked. It would make me feel extremely insecure and allow others to invade me. So what made a S tell me about things so intimate to a stranger like myself? Was it normal? Was it an outburst? Was it because I was in my nurse uniform and I told him that I'm a medical student? Was it not really stripping himself naked emotionally after all, or was he simple not an emotional virgin anymore?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
