Nothing can bother me today - I'M HAPPY!

The title makes me sound as though I'm crazy...
But indeed, I'm really ecstatic today! After reading the many letters in the 'Let's Hear It' section of The Star Education for many weeks, I finally can't stand it and wrote an email to the section editor last week. Many parents and students were complaining about the Science and Math teachers' poor standard of English, and I wrote in some of my experience in college, having to learn Biology and Chemistry from Pn Norharyatee and Pn Azizah who were not so well versed in English then. I'm so happy that my letter's been published! Mum and some of my friends said it was a touching letter, though it could have been more dramatic if it wasn't editted at all (some of the words were changed and the overall piece was cut short). The students these days think their English is so good that they have to complain in the newspaper each time a teacher makes a spelling error... I'm so appalled by their attitude, and worse, they have full backing from their parents and the media. What's wrong with these people? If they are so smart, how can they not even comprehend the simple common sense that language cannot be learnt overnight and without making mistakes? I hope I manage to send my mesage across through the brief letter.
Have a look at the letter by following this link
http://thestar.com.my/education/story.asp?file=/2006/2/19/education/13405669
and if you wish, tell me what you think about it.

Frustration

WARNING: Comments on this post are bitter. If you think you can't tolarate opinions which are narrow and nasty because somebody's not in the mood for positive and open thinking, please don't bother continuing.

Perhaps this is one of the days when I just keep thinking about negative side of stuff. About people, about PBL, about the things I do, basically about everything.

About this Malaysian girl, lets call her X. She thinks she so clever about knowing the British culture. I was just telling her about my comtemplation about going for tonight's Malaria pubcrawl, not because I enjoy it, but because I want to have fun with some of my dearest friends from my previous PBL. And she went on saying things about cultural difference, saying that British teenagers like alcohol because it makes them feel braver and more sociable. Well, who doesn't know that? But from my experiences going to pubs and nightclubs, which are more than hers I'm sure, the brats here just want to get wasted because apparently 'it feels nice'. I've tried it... and it does feels nice. Then she kept on arguing with me about what British does and does not when it comes to alcohol. I tried to be nice, but to a point I just feel really frustrated about it. I just don't want to carry on arguing anymore. What does she know? She's only been to a nightclub once, and she isn't even close with her own PBL group. Her circle of friends are really just fellow Malaysians. She likes to talk as though she's so strong and knows everything, but in actual fact, she knows nothing. Most of the things she said are words from her friends. All she does all day is shutting herself in the room and saying this and that about mat salleh, without even having the guts to go out into the world and meet a horizon of colours out there. I'm not saying that I'm much better than her, but at the least I've been to pubs and clubs a couple of times with my PBL-mates and went to my British friends' houses for Christmas and are joining judo and voluntary work, embrassing my fear of meeting new people and doing something that I feel strongly about. She always bitch about the Malays, the British, literally everyone that's not Chinese... and sometimes I'm just too tired of arguing with her because nothing changes her mind... it only makes her feel more rightly about herself. Mum's always telling me to make friends with Malaysian, but people like that, how do I bear with them? We simply have different wavelength.
It's really frustrating being with people who thinks so differently from me and refuse to acknowledge that other's way of thinking is ok...

i hate myself...

I'm really a goal oriented person. When I say I want to get something done, I'll do everything to make sure I get it done. I'd plan my stuff properly, work ridiculously hard and have my mind set on a positive mode. And when things don't go according to my plan, not surprisingly, I get really upset with myself. This has happened to me throughout semester 1 and I'm currently suffering my first bout of depression for this brand new semester (and today's only the fourth day of the semester). I wonder why can't I just stop thinking so badly about myself. I have learnt enough that setting unrealistic goals are just stupid. The goals I set for myself now aren't too much to handle. It's just things like contributing stuff about pneumothorax, PSTD and bystander intervention in today's PBL, yet even that I couldn't do it. I was just so quiet. Though I'm quite sure the people (my new PBL-mates and the tutor) won't make judgement about me based on this session alone as I've proven myself to be quite a bubbly, intelligent and reasonable person in other occasions, academically and socially. I simply feel unsatisfied that I wasn't even able to get my ideas across the table, after spending one whole night awake finishing my PBL work, which makes me even angrier at myself. And I told myself if I don't understand something, unlike the last semester, I would ask. But now I'm behaving just the same, no courage to ask my tutor/lecturer/demonstrator things that I'm not sure of (well, as a consolation, at least I managed to ask Dr Tracey a 15 second question about the FEV thing just now..). Then I thought this may just not be my lucky day, everyone has these days... and I really ought not to feel down just because today isn't my lucky day. I can rant on and on about the many positive reassurances and alternative points of view I tell myself, yet it's just the down feeling that won't go away. I don't feel I have control over myself anymore these days.
I had a really fresh start for this semester. First day of PBL was great, even most of the stuff I talked about was rubbish. First dissection was good.. thoracic anatomy that I crammed in the night before (until 3:30am) manage to come out of my brain during the practical. I loved my teaching session with primary school children yesterday, felt that the kids really enjoyed it too. Then I went for judo, which was so much fun that I wanted to share every single detail here.. the endorphin lasted for almost 1 day!.. but now I've just spoilt everything. I don't feel like thinking about anything anymore, even the good ones. Just feel numbed. I hate myself.

Stress

I'm really saddened that some people just can't emphatise with people who can't control their feelings and say things like 'you are stressed because you choose to be'. I don't know a great deal about the choices but I certainly have never wanted stress or depression. It just came uninvited (isn't that obvious?) and sticks in your head. Today Dr Bundy was saying that oversea students had to deal with extra stress about the lonely experience, and I truly appreciate that. My perfectionist attitude (which I'm trying to gradually quit, trust me) and frequent bouts of depression were already driving me mad, things get worse when I had literally no one to turn to, let alone the feeling of suffocation in environment where human interaction is lacking. There's just no channel of expression at all, and therefore lead to problems of getting on with life... I was really tempted to call my parents and pour out all my emotions, but they'd either not have cared or start to nag at me. I know it really sounds contradictory but my point is at the end of the day, I just keep everything to myself and cry under the blanket alone. Sometimes it's really easy for people to say things like 'switch off', 'go out and have fun'or rubbish like that, but they really wouldn't understand that it's so much easier to say it than to do it.

exam-drunk again-job interview

Hiya!
Exam's over. Well, not exactly over... another paper left (Progress test - contains year 1 -5 medics content) but we don't really have to pass it... so I'm not really bothered (I wonder when have I started to think like this... if it was half a year ago I would have stupidly bury myself with medical books to be learnt in five years time in this three days to hopefully pass the test... must be Lauren's influence - she's just so good at saying 'if we pass this time n fail next time it's bad;but if we fail this time n pass this time it good!)
I'd been working quite hard for the semester test since Christmas/new year time. But I don't think the effort actually completely paid off. The semester test paper was horrible. The stuff r just too detailed and I honestly have to say that I did random picking for almost every single questions in the paper. Gosh... I really hate to think about it.. N there were too many choices for each question that I just didn't have the energy to look through each choice thorough enough. That's why I'm really keeping my fingers crossed... that I'll pass this exam (that's my birthday wish)
After the exam, went to shop at Sainsbury Fallowfield with Wei Min (a fellow first year medics from Singapore). Glad to hear from her that I'm not the only one who thought the paper was complete rubbish. Then I went to the city centre to buy a foundation powder for my job interview the next day. Can't believe that I was actually doing that. I'm never a vain person, not even the slightest bit... But after mummy's critism about the pimples on my face, I started to feel a bit disgusted, of course don't know whether that's a good thing. All I know is that I'm now beginning to pay a bit of attention on cosmetic grooming which has never happened before in my life.
During the night, my PBL groupmates n I went out again for my belated birthday and post-exam celebration. Before meeting at OP bar, I went to Lauren's room (cause she was taking AGES to get ready...). She was wearing this 70s minidress and bought a wick which she would wear after that. At that time, I was just wearing a normal shirt and pants, and she literally rip me off and made me wear a shoulder bearing, sleeveless top and a short skirt, which I complied obediently. I felt weird and cold (she told me not to wear a jacket as well n it was a winter night!) as I'm not used to wearing revealing clothes like that. But I just told myself that I'm allowed to be crazy just for the night.. in conjunction with my 21st birthday... and I went a little too far by letting myself drunk again. I think I drank 4/5 glasses including a shot of whisky... which was my worst so far. I did enjoy myself on the dance floor thoroughly at The Ritz... it's especially satisfying to notice some guys who tried to flirt at me (never happened b4..). I danced till my feet almost rot (was wearing a new shoe... hard and painful) then finally sat down. After about 15 minutes, the nightclub bouncers were telling people to clear the building immedietely... apparently the fire alarm had been set off. (To any Malaysian in Malaysia reading this, don't be too shock coz false fire alarms here go off every so often everywhere that I bet no one here's ever worried that there's a real fire when they hear the alarm.. more like feeling very annoyed instead) Anyway we were forced to stand outside the premise. It was really chilly outside that I kept rubbing my arms. The guys standing beside me asked me twice whether I'm ok.. Things were going a bit chaotic at that time coz many guys were drunk and they were doing silly stuff like chanting and singing loudly and obstructing the traffic that the police came to control the crowd. Then I took a cab back with Lauren and Rachel. As I reached Whitworth Park, Claire actually phoned me to make sure that I've safely reached my place... how thoughtful was that? N that was the end of my one good drunk nightout.
The next day (yesterday), woke up early in the morning coz I was going to have an interview with a nursing agency at 1pm. I hadn't even filled in my application form or completed/print out my CV. The hang over didn't help as I was feeling so dizzy and tempted to go back to sleep. I was quite panic the whole morning, thinking that I'm gonna be so unprepared for the interview. But it turned out to be really good. The staff in the agency was really friendly. As expected, had to fill in more forms. I thought the whole thing went on really smoothly. I've got the references right, the criminal record check from Malaysian government, the many proof of identifications required for CRB check etc. The interview questions were relatively easy, mostly about common sense stuff that all medic students should know. Now I'll just have to arrange a time to attend the basic care course (4 days!) and wait for my CRB check and references to arrive before I can officially start working. Looking forward to the extra pocket money!

What's Your True Color?

Yee Yen, your true color is Brown!

You're brown, a credible, stable color that's reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you're a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you're probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you're constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it's by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral color, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart.

http://uk.tickle.com/inv.html?inv=433261665102377779

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

Great Christmas!!!

This year's christmas was my best christmas ever! The many christmas before this was either just another holiday or an occasion to visit relatives. If we're lucky, we won't have to be dragged by dua go to some silly church events (Really, really hate it!). My first christmas in England hasn't been disappointing at all. To start with, I love the festive atmosphere here. It's just like Chinese New Year or Hari Raya in Malaysia, with everyone on the street rushing to shop like mad, as if everything's free.. Radio's always playing christmas carols, elevating my mood all the time.

I went to Lauren's house from 24-26/12/2005. Lauren's one of my PBL-mates. Her house's at the outskirt area of Manchester which is Macclesfield, Cheshire, about half an hour away Manchester university. The first thing I learnt is that u don't call her parents aunty and uncle like we do in Malaysia, but my their first names - Chris and Philip. I thought Lauren and I did a fantastic job decorating the christmas tree. I have never seen a christmas tree with so many decorations. I spent most of the time in Lauren's house watching television and eating chocolates - which is what christmas is all about according to her... I was really impressed by their hospitality. They let me stay in a really beautiful room of my own n even provide me with towels. Chris was always asking me what I'd like to drink! So I've tasted everything from orange juice and soft drinks to wine and gen. At the night of christmas eve, Chris put wine, mince pie and egg at the fire place and on christmas morning, there were all gone! And there were socks packed with presents at all the children room's doorsteps, and there were more presents arranged under the christmas tree! So Santa did came at night! I was already so excited early in the morning on christmas day. The presents opening part was the best! I received so many presents from Lauren's family and my PBL group - about 20 altogather, which was really a pleasant surprise! I couldn't ask for more... i was almost speechless... No wonder everybody loves christmas, if this is the amount of presents they usually receive. Then Lauren n I helped to prepare the brussel sprouts for christmas dinner, which is also rather fun. They actually had their christmas dinner at 3pm... what an odd hour for dinner.. Before eating, we had to pull open some crackers and wear the party hat (a silly old british tradition). I wonder how many kg of meat and sugar I consumed in these few days.. On boxing day, we went for a walk at a nearby national park to burn off some calories. There was this particular spot at the park called 'The Edge', a stony high area which allow people to oversee the whole of Cheshire county and a bit of the Greater Manchester area - exceptionally breathtaking. So thats how I actually spend christmas, christmas eve and boxing day. Chris sent me back to university on boxing day evening.

The next day (27/12/2005), I headed to Leeds to visit Rachel, another of my PBL-mate. It was meant to be only a day trip (I'd even bought my return ticket) but there were heavy snow that evening, which meant it could be dangerous to drive, so I decided to stay over for a night and just came back today. There were more peoeple in Rachel's house because many relatives was visiting, so the house was noisier that Lauren's house. Rachel's parents (Linda and David) were equally hospitable.. And similarly I spent most of the day watching DVDs and TV programmes. Their dog (Flush) was a bit overfriendly that she kept trying to licking me... ewe... i hate animals! Really well fed all the time. Tried the christmas cake that Linda made. It's just like christmas puding, something like fruitcake, but again too sweet for me. Like Lauren's house, I slept in a spare room for guests which was a room with double bed. I guess Rachel's family was more formal and quiet (reflects Rachel's quietness) but I still thoroughly enjoyed talking to them. Apparently both Linda and David were Manchester graduates as well, so they do know quite a lot about Manchester. It was snowing the whole night that this morning the grounds are already covered with several cm of snow. At about 11am Linda drop me off the station and Rachel brought me for a scroll around the Leeds city centre before I head back to Manchester.

I will never forget the things that happened these few days for the rest of my life. Besides having great fun, they also got me thinking about things like cultural differences and how to handle them. But for now, it is also important for me to realise that time to have fun's over and I have to start opening the books again for the upcoming exam. Finally, I just want to shout 'I love PBL 15!!!'...