The Finishing Line

The few weeks towards the exams were the worst. I did not do any revision over the Christmas holiday. I did not develop enough sense of urgency to start revising yet. I remember thinking what else it is that I could possibly not know? I kept on telling myself to open the books and start memorising things, but I was much more interested in Doctor Who and the whole lot of tantalizing festive programmes on TV. The intensive revision really only started on the 3rd of January (and my exam starts on the 13th), when the medical school's revision lectures started. It turned out that there were indeed many things that I still do not know, but the rest of my year does, which was scary. I learnt and memorised more things that I've ever had in the 10 days. As with the previous exams, I felt I was never going to have enough time to cover all I wanted and wished that I'd started earlier (and always promised myself that I would start revision earlier next time but I have never fulfilled this promise before). I was also doing practice questions and found out even more things that I apparently should know but didn't. I was consistently getting 60-70% while I expected nothing less than 80% by that stage, so it worried me.

Then there is the pressure. This is THE exam. I pass, I'm a doctor; I fail, I'm not a doctor. During the OSCE, I thought of how unfair it is that all our doctoring skills that we have learn in the 5 years be judged in merely 2.5 hr by strangers who never knew us. There were too many people that I didn't want to let down. My parents - they have been very supportive with plenty of encouragement. They also went to the temple and prayed for me. They and my sisters were really the only people that I could talk to about how stressed I was, but I tried not to because it would make them worry and feel helpless. Then there were the two senior doctors in the Chorus with me. They were each my consultant and tutor previously and I know that when I return to rehearsal in the new term, they would go 'So?' with regards to the finals. Last year, I was told that only 3 out of the 20 Malaysian students passed the exempting exams, making me feel worse.

I don't know why, but people always say to me 'Don't worry Yee Yen you will never fail. If you fail, what hope has other people got?'. If they have realised that I just wasn't as good as I used to be, they will understand why I was so genuinely worried for a very real possibility of failure. I messed up my PMP - It was in a difficult format and I didn't know the answer to half of the questions. Throughout January until the result was released, I was an emotional wreck. I would burst out in tears for no good reason, and go on crying for hours, drowning in self pity. It was worst after the OSCE as I was convinced that I failed. In the morning of the OSCE, two buses wouldn't take me as I didn't have small change (but the third bus driver let me on without charge). I took it as a really bad omen and just spent the whole 20 minutes journey on the bus crying. As a result, I was a few minutes late for reporting. I wasn't myself throughout the OSCE. I did well in two or three stations (managed to keep my hands at the back and looked professional because I knew my stuff) but the rest stations were either average or bad. I managed to make silly mistakes like not requesting a pregnancy test for ?ectopic. I wouldn't disagree if the examiners thought I wasn't fit to pass. Very sad. I was supposed to pick myself up quickly for the last paper in 2 days time, but I couldn't. I did some revision eventually, but I didn't put in full effort as I thought, what's the point, I've already failed. Luckily, the progress test wasn't as bad.

After the exam, we went out to eat and had a good rant. It made me feel better, but still I needed to prepare myself for the results. I have a plan of what I would do for the resit. I would get two revision books, do lots of practice questions more consistently and prepare for past year OSCE questions. I told my parents not to expect good news. While I was in London, I also told my sponsor that its likely that I'd have to resit. I was travelling from London back to Manchester on the day the result was due to be released at 1pm. When I booked the coach, I thought should I arrive at 1 or 2? I settled for 2pm. The later I know, I less pain I'd suffer. But as I arrived in Manchester, I found myself rushing back home to check my results on the internet. (But at the same time still reminding myself to not get too excited as I'd only be disappointed after).

'Year 5 Exempting Examination Results' was the first announcement. I opened the announcement, clicked on the Y5_Exempting_Results_Grid_Jan_10 pdf file, scroll through to find my library card number, and read carefully.

PMP and PT - H

OSCE - S

Outcome -Pass - Exempt

What?! Hah! I closed it and opened it again. It was the same. It was only then, I dared to think about actually being a doctor! I PASSED THE FINALS!

I won't make an Oscar speech here but I'd just like to say how grateful I am to have such a wonderful family. Mummy, we are the product of your sacrifice all these years and you are responsible for the person I am today. This is your success as much as it is mine. I think you have done a great job!

My friend had written a more detailed account of the OSCE exam here. It's very brave of him to reflect so openly. I can't, I'm still suffering from the post traumatic stress...

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