Hello all
Just got my exam results. Relieve to have passed everything but not too excited because the grades are not up to my (and important others') expectations. I received honours grade for two papers (Semester and progress tests) and satisfactory grade for OSCE.
Semester test was really good (two more marks to distinction in fact), perhaps because I really really enjoyed studying the brain and its accesories and told myself I HAVE TO NAIL IT - It's now or never.
Progress test - eventhough it's an honour, I got 48 this time compared to 50 last time, which is a BIG WARNING for me to BE SERIOUS about bucking up and NOT BE COMPLACENT.
OSCE - Just got satisfactory grade. I received 81% (quite impressive actually) which is unfortunately just two marks away from the honours grade. I could have gotten the honours grade - I'm not in denial here but dead serious. I swear I did everything right and deserve full marks (100) in the Cranial nerves testing station but only got 58 marks - What The Hell?! O Well.. at least the results would do me some good - I.e. forcing myself to work harder next time.
I just can't believe how kiasu I am now. Perhaps it's because I'm really feeling the competitiveness among my peers now. Everyone is really serious about their studies now. Back in the first year, I would have been the only one in the group who have completed the anatomy worksheet before dissection. But now I can hardly find anyone who haven't read up before a session. Also I am allocated into a really bright group this semester. Kind of starting to feel a bit insecure about myself...
I also feel a bit of pressure from my parents as well. When I was having my exams, mummy and pa said it's ok not to get honours grade, as long as I have tried my best. But now, it's been almost 24 hours since I sent each of them a text messege regarding my results and I still haven't heard from them... They must be a bit unhappy or disappointed that I haven't manage all honours this time. Lots of internal conflicts and external pressure right now. Can't really talk to anyone about it. Feel sick.
Thursday, March 1
Wednesday, February 21
Accident
Sorry for being a little jakun but today for the first time in my life I witness a collision accident. I had quite a busy day and was rushing off and waiting at the Piccadilly Garden platform for my volunteering at Reache. The tram to Altrinham started moving while I was still at the platform waiting for the next tram to Eccles. Then about 2 seconds later, I heard a long honk and the tram came to a complete stop. A few people were running across the rail and I asked a girl who was covering her mouth in shock what happened. She told me a guy was ran over and trapped under the tram. 'Goodness!', I thought. By that time there were a swarm of people surrounding the tram and I can see the poor guy's legs under the head of the tram, with the body and head facing the tram. I was not sure if he was alive them - to be honest I was dead scared for him as the way he was trapped looked pretty hopeless. The first thing I thought was - Have anyone rang 999? I saw the tram driver making calls, so I presumed he did. Then I contemplated on going forward and say 'I'm a second year medical student'. But he was still stuck underneath there and I guess the only thing I know, which is basic life support would not be much help then as I can't possibly get underneath. The emergency response was really good. Barely a few minutes after the collision, the police van came, followed by a paramedic in bicycle (as it is very difficult for ambulance to moving around quickly in the city centre). A minute later two police on horses came to control the crowd, and finally the fire engine arrived. By that time, the guy had already been safely pulled out of the underneath. I think he was alright. I saw him sitting up leaning against the tram before I headed off to the next tram platform. No blood, and he was conscious. He might have sustained some head injury and internal bleeding, but no immediate resuscitation was needed.
Witnessing accident really got me thinking. I have considered A&E as a speciality that I want to work in after I graduate, but would I be able to cope well with the patient assaulted by high impact, blunt penetrating injuries, bleeding and being in pain, dealing with uncertainty at the same time staying calm and make the decisions like cutting off a limb to preserve life? I think I would have gone forward and do CPR on him today if necessary but the real test comes when I am really faced with the situation. I thought about road safety as well. I am one of those who always run across the road or tram railing when I am not supposed to. Obviously we think we can beat the car or the tram, but sometimes we just can't judge them. Better to be safe than sorry. The tram involved in the accident was actually going really slow, yet still caused such a trauma. I will never run in front of a moving tram ever again. I also saw some ugly characters: Can you believe that some people were actually taking pictures of the guy trapped underneath the tram using digital cameras and mobile phones? That's just despicable!
And now, I need to finish my PBL work on bowel cancer and preparation for dissection for tomorrow. Too bad that I can't use the excuse of being a bit traumatised.
Witnessing accident really got me thinking. I have considered A&E as a speciality that I want to work in after I graduate, but would I be able to cope well with the patient assaulted by high impact, blunt penetrating injuries, bleeding and being in pain, dealing with uncertainty at the same time staying calm and make the decisions like cutting off a limb to preserve life? I think I would have gone forward and do CPR on him today if necessary but the real test comes when I am really faced with the situation. I thought about road safety as well. I am one of those who always run across the road or tram railing when I am not supposed to. Obviously we think we can beat the car or the tram, but sometimes we just can't judge them. Better to be safe than sorry. The tram involved in the accident was actually going really slow, yet still caused such a trauma. I will never run in front of a moving tram ever again. I also saw some ugly characters: Can you believe that some people were actually taking pictures of the guy trapped underneath the tram using digital cameras and mobile phones? That's just despicable!
And now, I need to finish my PBL work on bowel cancer and preparation for dissection for tomorrow. Too bad that I can't use the excuse of being a bit traumatised.
Sunday, January 21
I HATE EXAMS
I have never felt so pessimistic for a while. I think I might as well just give up and play computer for the next two days. I'll be having OSCE (Objective Structured Clinical Exams) on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. I can see that I'll be screwing up the anatomy station, possibly all other stations as well. I have no energy whatsoever to look at printed material related to medicine at this point. Please let this week be over quickly. I can't bear trying again and again looking through the books, then lose concentration, then start all over again then lose concentration again. Zero confident for everything at the moment. Hope I'll pass. Not even asking for honours. Just a pass... Exam sucks. And I hate medicine.
Sunday, January 7
When things go wrong in the perfect world
Sometimes, when something goes wrong after you tried so hard to sustain perfection in life, you would feel really terrible about yourself. My time in Manchester had been really great since I arrived for the new academic year in Sept 2006. I have been really active engaging with things that I enjoyed and I had a very wonderful time studying the neuroscience and psychiatry stuff in this semester. My family have been constantly sending warm letters and emails giving me moral support. Everything seem to be going so well, too well that my mind was flooded with nice memories that I swear I slept with a smile every night.
I felt so happy with myself that I don't even need any close friends. I just feel so secure with myself. I can't believe this as I had quite a low self esteem while being in prestigious schools in KL. I remember that in standard six, I bullied mummy into buying a sticker album (which was about RM20!) for me because my friend said I can't join their club if I don't have an album. In form two, my friends said Moffats and Backstreetsboys were cool, so eventhough I didn't find much point in doing it, I hanged posters of the groups on my room door. I even spent extra time and effort to look for lyrics and memorised pop songs so I could sing along when my friends sing and not look stupid. How stupid was I? Now all these are totally washed out of my life now. If I can go back in time, it is quite likely that I won't recognize the teenager version me myself. I have come a long way. I don't need make up or cool mates or expensive taste to make me feel secure. I have great ambitions now. I have to admit that I always imagine myself being a top consultant or UN public health spokeswoman or world class researcher or something like that. I actually believe that I have the substance to achieve great feats.
Yet, when something in life goes wrong, however tiny it is, I feel absolutely rubbish about myself. My self-confidence and self-worth become completely shattered. Last week I was about an hour late for something I was pledge to attend to, causing someone to be late for another meeting. Note my shame here as I try to hide the details. I'm not going to defend myself. It was completely my fault, no question about it. I woke up late, and yet still took my time having breakfast and taking my own sweet time preparing myself, totally aware of the fact that I was actually running quite late. I am seldom a late person. Usually I am early rather than on time. I was just feeling too laid back on that particular morning. So there has been quite a fair amount of self blame going on for this week.
'Come on, give yourself a break!'. People sometimes say I am too hard on myself. Yes, I am always hard on myself. How else would you produce results if you don't push yourself to the limits? Something tells me that these struggles with disciplining myself would serve me well one day. I owe many many big and small achievements of my life to my perfectionist and strive-best attitude. Yet, I have to say that maybe it's because of these constant positive things that I always try to bring about that make the pitfalls in life so difficult to cope with. When something doesn't go as well as I expect, always, my first question would be: Is it my fault? Well, of course it would almost always be partly my fault. But instead of asking 'how would I do it differently next time' and get it over with, I would be haunted by flashbacks of my lack of perfection and dwelling about it day after day. It's not something that I have control over. I have tried minding blocking but that doesn't seem to work. And right now I'm so stressed out because I cannot concentrate studying as the flashback of being late keeps coming over and over. I went to the counsellor last year around this time for the same problem. She said I have a problem with too much of a self-critique. I had one session and I was given a few leaflets. Looks like my condition have not improved.
To be or not to be - Is that the question? Does perfection need to come hand in hand with with being a hardcore self-critique? Can there not be a compromise? Up till this moment, my life experience tells me that, at least for me, there can be no compromise. Unfortunately for me I am born with an ultra-sensitive conscience, so I would always be hard on myself whether or not I am striving my best to make sure my objectives are met. I can only hope that with time, I will learn to cope better with my mistakes and failures as much as I enjoy my moments of success.
I felt so happy with myself that I don't even need any close friends. I just feel so secure with myself. I can't believe this as I had quite a low self esteem while being in prestigious schools in KL. I remember that in standard six, I bullied mummy into buying a sticker album (which was about RM20!) for me because my friend said I can't join their club if I don't have an album. In form two, my friends said Moffats and Backstreetsboys were cool, so eventhough I didn't find much point in doing it, I hanged posters of the groups on my room door. I even spent extra time and effort to look for lyrics and memorised pop songs so I could sing along when my friends sing and not look stupid. How stupid was I? Now all these are totally washed out of my life now. If I can go back in time, it is quite likely that I won't recognize the teenager version me myself. I have come a long way. I don't need make up or cool mates or expensive taste to make me feel secure. I have great ambitions now. I have to admit that I always imagine myself being a top consultant or UN public health spokeswoman or world class researcher or something like that. I actually believe that I have the substance to achieve great feats.
Yet, when something in life goes wrong, however tiny it is, I feel absolutely rubbish about myself. My self-confidence and self-worth become completely shattered. Last week I was about an hour late for something I was pledge to attend to, causing someone to be late for another meeting. Note my shame here as I try to hide the details. I'm not going to defend myself. It was completely my fault, no question about it. I woke up late, and yet still took my time having breakfast and taking my own sweet time preparing myself, totally aware of the fact that I was actually running quite late. I am seldom a late person. Usually I am early rather than on time. I was just feeling too laid back on that particular morning. So there has been quite a fair amount of self blame going on for this week.
'Come on, give yourself a break!'. People sometimes say I am too hard on myself. Yes, I am always hard on myself. How else would you produce results if you don't push yourself to the limits? Something tells me that these struggles with disciplining myself would serve me well one day. I owe many many big and small achievements of my life to my perfectionist and strive-best attitude. Yet, I have to say that maybe it's because of these constant positive things that I always try to bring about that make the pitfalls in life so difficult to cope with. When something doesn't go as well as I expect, always, my first question would be: Is it my fault? Well, of course it would almost always be partly my fault. But instead of asking 'how would I do it differently next time' and get it over with, I would be haunted by flashbacks of my lack of perfection and dwelling about it day after day. It's not something that I have control over. I have tried minding blocking but that doesn't seem to work. And right now I'm so stressed out because I cannot concentrate studying as the flashback of being late keeps coming over and over. I went to the counsellor last year around this time for the same problem. She said I have a problem with too much of a self-critique. I had one session and I was given a few leaflets. Looks like my condition have not improved.
To be or not to be - Is that the question? Does perfection need to come hand in hand with with being a hardcore self-critique? Can there not be a compromise? Up till this moment, my life experience tells me that, at least for me, there can be no compromise. Unfortunately for me I am born with an ultra-sensitive conscience, so I would always be hard on myself whether or not I am striving my best to make sure my objectives are met. I can only hope that with time, I will learn to cope better with my mistakes and failures as much as I enjoy my moments of success.
Wednesday, January 3
Exams worry
I'm now starting to feel a bit panicky for exams now (which is a good thing). My exams start will on the 16th of January (my birthday) and ends on the 26/1/2007. I'm now feeling like 'Gosh I'll never be able to finish revising' and 'I'm not taking in anything at all'... And I definitely shouldn't be blogging at this moment but I just can't help it. (I can imagine my ex-collegemates shouting at me "Yen, bleh relax tak?" I can only hope that exams won't be too horrible this term. Happy New Year everyone!
Monday, December 25
Eulogy for Zhi gou
It's Christmas day and I woke up this morning with quite a good mood. I have been feeling quite bored the last few days since I have very few human contact. But I am not depressed at all like last year. I have learnt to handle my life much better now. I am actually quite upset with myself because I am supposed to be studying but I have just been wasting time watching television and surfing the net. I just want to talk to someone and get rid of the feeling of boredom. So I texted mum last night to ask anyone at home is free to online and chat with me.
Mum replied this morning saying that they are not free to chat because they will be going to Singapore to visit my second aunt - zhi gou (papa's second elder sister) who was in coma. She had been suffering from leukemia since the beginning of this year. The prognosis wasn't good at all. But the best thing had been that pa's bone marrow type matches hers completely. The doctor said bone marrow transplant offered the best chance of a cure, eventhough the probability of success was only something like less than 50%. In the end, she did not undergo the marrow transplant. She had undergone a series of chemotherapy and had became quite ill and brittle, physically and emotionally. I have to say that I feel sad that I haven't actually seen her at all ever since she was starting her battle over cancer.
And now she is gone. She has passed away peacefully a few hours ago. The next time I'll be seeing her in the cemetary. I'm sad that she's passed away, but at the same time I'm feel relieved for her that the battle and suffering is over. I have known her to be someone really cheerful and upbeat all my life. I am not very close to her as she lives in Singapore but she's the person you want to talk to because the way she talks to you just makes you feel really comfortable. O yes, I love her. She always buy us (My sisters and I) loads of sweetees when we meet. I know that zhi gou has strong faith with Jesus. So I hope she now rests in peace under God's safe hands.
Mum replied this morning saying that they are not free to chat because they will be going to Singapore to visit my second aunt - zhi gou (papa's second elder sister) who was in coma. She had been suffering from leukemia since the beginning of this year. The prognosis wasn't good at all. But the best thing had been that pa's bone marrow type matches hers completely. The doctor said bone marrow transplant offered the best chance of a cure, eventhough the probability of success was only something like less than 50%. In the end, she did not undergo the marrow transplant. She had undergone a series of chemotherapy and had became quite ill and brittle, physically and emotionally. I have to say that I feel sad that I haven't actually seen her at all ever since she was starting her battle over cancer.
And now she is gone. She has passed away peacefully a few hours ago. The next time I'll be seeing her in the cemetary. I'm sad that she's passed away, but at the same time I'm feel relieved for her that the battle and suffering is over. I have known her to be someone really cheerful and upbeat all my life. I am not very close to her as she lives in Singapore but she's the person you want to talk to because the way she talks to you just makes you feel really comfortable. O yes, I love her. She always buy us (My sisters and I) loads of sweetees when we meet. I know that zhi gou has strong faith with Jesus. So I hope she now rests in peace under God's safe hands.
Friday, November 10
Tired... but I shall not be streesed
Stress comes from what we perceive, it's all in our mind.
Yet, I'll be lying if I tell you that I'm not stressed out. Perhaps not really stressed, but certainly quite tired. I've been having a few crazy weeks working non stop.
Firstly, Neuroscience is simply too interesting for be that I don't mind forgoing my sleep just to study it. Other medics will call that self inflicted trouble. It's just like solving math questions: Symptoms usually would tell you where the lesion is and what kind of consequences do you expect. But again, as in math, you'll have to learn the basic formula/theories first before proceeding on to problem solving. In this case, the basics include the anatomy (most important)and physiology of brain and spinal cord. I am really looking forward to the day I finally finish studying the whole brain and start solving problems - so excited!!!!!
I have to admit that I've been spending relative large amount of time on extra-curricular activities. On monday evening, I attend Judo lesson, I travel to Hope Hospital for Reache on Wednesday and attend Buddhism society talk on Thursday evening. I've also been really busy organizing the After School Club induction day (which went really well-loads of positive comments especially on organisation), making arrangement for volunteers' CRB check and liaisoning with volunteers, parents and Greenheys management. While these are certainly invaluable experiences for me and I enjoy every moment of them, they are quite demanding on my time and energy. At this very moment, I can feel my head spinning.
I went to the Manchester Museum today to discuss about yet another work I've volunteered for. The job involves cataloging collections of insects. I told Dr Dmitri that I'm afraid of living insects and don't really like them. Then he took a frame out from a cabinet and showed me these really really beautiful moths. They looked like butterflies and one was blue, another purplish and last one pink. They all glowed, and that's not because of pigmentation but it is a rendation formed by the thousands of scales on the wings which creates an optic illusionary effects. That was really fascinating, I immediately decided that I really want to see more of those and the dislike/pseudophobia towards insects vanished almost immediately.
I wanted to write about my PBL session today but decided that I better not because it's bound to be long-winded. All I have to say is that Prof Tomlinson was mean to me today to the point that I was at the verge of tears (while still pretending to laugh). But I still enjoyed the session very much.
The thing about PBL and these extra-curricular activities are that I enjoy them so much that I often get euphoria as an after effect. The after effect can sometimes last for days! Especially because of the fact that I work hard on PBL and for After School Club, people get really impressed from what I've done and that becomes a strong positive reinforcement for me = double/triple euphoria! When I'm in the state of euphoria, I cannot concentrate on doing proper stuff like studying. I'll have to find a solution for that soon, or else I'll lag behind in PBL...
So now I better get back to neuroscience right now. I'm doing something I really enjoy, and therefore I shouldn't be stressed. I'm not stressed, and shall not be stressed.
Yet, I'll be lying if I tell you that I'm not stressed out. Perhaps not really stressed, but certainly quite tired. I've been having a few crazy weeks working non stop.
Firstly, Neuroscience is simply too interesting for be that I don't mind forgoing my sleep just to study it. Other medics will call that self inflicted trouble. It's just like solving math questions: Symptoms usually would tell you where the lesion is and what kind of consequences do you expect. But again, as in math, you'll have to learn the basic formula/theories first before proceeding on to problem solving. In this case, the basics include the anatomy (most important)and physiology of brain and spinal cord. I am really looking forward to the day I finally finish studying the whole brain and start solving problems - so excited!!!!!
I have to admit that I've been spending relative large amount of time on extra-curricular activities. On monday evening, I attend Judo lesson, I travel to Hope Hospital for Reache on Wednesday and attend Buddhism society talk on Thursday evening. I've also been really busy organizing the After School Club induction day (which went really well-loads of positive comments especially on organisation), making arrangement for volunteers' CRB check and liaisoning with volunteers, parents and Greenheys management. While these are certainly invaluable experiences for me and I enjoy every moment of them, they are quite demanding on my time and energy. At this very moment, I can feel my head spinning.
I went to the Manchester Museum today to discuss about yet another work I've volunteered for. The job involves cataloging collections of insects. I told Dr Dmitri that I'm afraid of living insects and don't really like them. Then he took a frame out from a cabinet and showed me these really really beautiful moths. They looked like butterflies and one was blue, another purplish and last one pink. They all glowed, and that's not because of pigmentation but it is a rendation formed by the thousands of scales on the wings which creates an optic illusionary effects. That was really fascinating, I immediately decided that I really want to see more of those and the dislike/pseudophobia towards insects vanished almost immediately.
I wanted to write about my PBL session today but decided that I better not because it's bound to be long-winded. All I have to say is that Prof Tomlinson was mean to me today to the point that I was at the verge of tears (while still pretending to laugh). But I still enjoyed the session very much.
The thing about PBL and these extra-curricular activities are that I enjoy them so much that I often get euphoria as an after effect. The after effect can sometimes last for days! Especially because of the fact that I work hard on PBL and for After School Club, people get really impressed from what I've done and that becomes a strong positive reinforcement for me = double/triple euphoria! When I'm in the state of euphoria, I cannot concentrate on doing proper stuff like studying. I'll have to find a solution for that soon, or else I'll lag behind in PBL...
So now I better get back to neuroscience right now. I'm doing something I really enjoy, and therefore I shouldn't be stressed. I'm not stressed, and shall not be stressed.
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