Great Christmas!!!

This year's christmas was my best christmas ever! The many christmas before this was either just another holiday or an occasion to visit relatives. If we're lucky, we won't have to be dragged by dua go to some silly church events (Really, really hate it!). My first christmas in England hasn't been disappointing at all. To start with, I love the festive atmosphere here. It's just like Chinese New Year or Hari Raya in Malaysia, with everyone on the street rushing to shop like mad, as if everything's free.. Radio's always playing christmas carols, elevating my mood all the time.

I went to Lauren's house from 24-26/12/2005. Lauren's one of my PBL-mates. Her house's at the outskirt area of Manchester which is Macclesfield, Cheshire, about half an hour away Manchester university. The first thing I learnt is that u don't call her parents aunty and uncle like we do in Malaysia, but my their first names - Chris and Philip. I thought Lauren and I did a fantastic job decorating the christmas tree. I have never seen a christmas tree with so many decorations. I spent most of the time in Lauren's house watching television and eating chocolates - which is what christmas is all about according to her... I was really impressed by their hospitality. They let me stay in a really beautiful room of my own n even provide me with towels. Chris was always asking me what I'd like to drink! So I've tasted everything from orange juice and soft drinks to wine and gen. At the night of christmas eve, Chris put wine, mince pie and egg at the fire place and on christmas morning, there were all gone! And there were socks packed with presents at all the children room's doorsteps, and there were more presents arranged under the christmas tree! So Santa did came at night! I was already so excited early in the morning on christmas day. The presents opening part was the best! I received so many presents from Lauren's family and my PBL group - about 20 altogather, which was really a pleasant surprise! I couldn't ask for more... i was almost speechless... No wonder everybody loves christmas, if this is the amount of presents they usually receive. Then Lauren n I helped to prepare the brussel sprouts for christmas dinner, which is also rather fun. They actually had their christmas dinner at 3pm... what an odd hour for dinner.. Before eating, we had to pull open some crackers and wear the party hat (a silly old british tradition). I wonder how many kg of meat and sugar I consumed in these few days.. On boxing day, we went for a walk at a nearby national park to burn off some calories. There was this particular spot at the park called 'The Edge', a stony high area which allow people to oversee the whole of Cheshire county and a bit of the Greater Manchester area - exceptionally breathtaking. So thats how I actually spend christmas, christmas eve and boxing day. Chris sent me back to university on boxing day evening.

The next day (27/12/2005), I headed to Leeds to visit Rachel, another of my PBL-mate. It was meant to be only a day trip (I'd even bought my return ticket) but there were heavy snow that evening, which meant it could be dangerous to drive, so I decided to stay over for a night and just came back today. There were more peoeple in Rachel's house because many relatives was visiting, so the house was noisier that Lauren's house. Rachel's parents (Linda and David) were equally hospitable.. And similarly I spent most of the day watching DVDs and TV programmes. Their dog (Flush) was a bit overfriendly that she kept trying to licking me... ewe... i hate animals! Really well fed all the time. Tried the christmas cake that Linda made. It's just like christmas puding, something like fruitcake, but again too sweet for me. Like Lauren's house, I slept in a spare room for guests which was a room with double bed. I guess Rachel's family was more formal and quiet (reflects Rachel's quietness) but I still thoroughly enjoyed talking to them. Apparently both Linda and David were Manchester graduates as well, so they do know quite a lot about Manchester. It was snowing the whole night that this morning the grounds are already covered with several cm of snow. At about 11am Linda drop me off the station and Rachel brought me for a scroll around the Leeds city centre before I head back to Manchester.

I will never forget the things that happened these few days for the rest of my life. Besides having great fun, they also got me thinking about things like cultural differences and how to handle them. But for now, it is also important for me to realise that time to have fun's over and I have to start opening the books again for the upcoming exam. Finally, I just want to shout 'I love PBL 15!!!'...

Am I doing it right?

Am I doing everything right? Am I doing anything right at all? Don't know. I've been pondering these questions over and over and over again these few days.

The christmas holiday has started and I've been spending most of the first week of the holiday in the library - working on the psychosocial topics that I've conveniently skip through while working with the cases throughout the semester. A chat with my psychology lecturer really gave me a sense of seriousness about not doing enough about the psychosocial content in the PBL cases, as she put it "but it is of real concern that you have left it so late in the semester to consider these issues". Though I'm fairly satisfied with my disciplince in working and reading about, I can't help but feel extremely frustrated with the uncertainty about exactly what and how much detail to cover. That's the problem with PBL - we just have go round and round the topic without knowing what exactly to learn. Being a perfectionist, I really hate this because it seems that I just want to read everything in the books - just in case I miss something that'll come out in the exam. I need a strategy. I know I need to focus but I just feel unsafe and guilty not to learn and swallow as much as I can. It's not really with the course but my attitude - the perfectionist attitude. I feel so helpless because I don't know who to turn to and express my worries. I don't want to ask my lecturer stupid questions on what and how to focus when I kind of know what and how to do it already yet I can't make myself do it. Aghhhh!! This is getting way too complicated! Other people doesn't seem to have that kind of problem... I really need more of their attitude - the happy-go-lucky spirit.

On the other hand, I find reading topics on psychology quite enjoyable (Only if I can read it as a storybook and don't have to be examined on it...). The more I read, the more I'm convinced about the complexity of human behaviour, to an extreme that one can NEVER understand fully human behaviour. Many experiments and studies psychologists did just raised so many doubts even as I was reading them that I can hardly believe them. There's almost not one single experiment that has any constant variable.. yet they proclaimed to have discover a 'breakthrough'.. how amusing? You see, that's another reason I think psychology is not something worth examining as it is often hardly scientifically valid. There's one experiment that's really caught my attention: the infamous Stanford Prison Experiment by Zimbardo n co (www.prisonexp.org). I thought it was a horrible experiment that it can only happen in movies - too unethical and unprofessionally designed n done.

I think I'd better get back to the psychology n social psychology books so that I can visit Lauren's house over christmas with peace of mind... if u know what I mean.

Your Personality Profile

You are happy, driven, and status conscious. You want everyone to know how successful you are. Very logical, you see life as a game of strategy. A bit of a loner, you prefer to depend on yourself. You always keep your cool and your composure. You are a born leader and business person.

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Motivational Problem

How I long for my old self... The all-time highly desirable and highly motivated yeeyen... My energy level's just so low these days that I think I can't control myself anymore.
It started on case 5, which is on immunology (T-cells n B-cells). I couldn't finish my PBL work. The scope of material to cover was simply indefinite n it seems like every learning objective = 1 chapter in the immunology book (N we had 30 odd learning objectives). I endeavour to finish it nevertheless but I realize soon enough that it's just ridiculous... I'll never get this done. N suddenly it struck me to these question: Why am I doing all these? Is it worth it? Stressing myself up night after night for something that I know I'm not capable of finishing? What was I trying to do? To impress? To be perfect?
When Eric Bell gave his first lecture on immunology, he said 'immunology is a very difficult subject'. I didn't believe him, I mean, how hard can it be? Now I think I know what he meant. It's just so difficult to link up the bits n pieces we learn everywhere n form a big picture. I'm seriously confused. I think I'm slightly better off now that we're at case 6 (about autoimmunity n SLE) as I begin to get a glimpse of the whole picture. Tuesday's PBL was enjoyable as I took the advantage of being the scribe to use the board to explain my understanding, which I thought I was excellant. So I thought I'm back on track already. Yet yesterday that down feeling was bothering me again, and I just couldn't do anything else other than wasting time in front of the computer... I don't even have the strength to tell myself to STOP n force myself to turn open a book.. it's THAT bad! Yesterday I didn't even eat a single meal, just fed on biscuits and potato chips. Am I suffering from depression?

I have so many things kept in my heart that I want to pour it out this instant but I think it's not safe enough for me to do that here. I desperately need to talk to someone.. to rant about my pitiful story. I don't need advice, I'm sure I'll b able to handle them given a bit more time. I just need a lending ear.