Wednesday, April 5

The dip

This is the emotion I feared the most. I was feeling over the moon over a month ago as I was finishing my PHDW rotation. I was performing well, exceeding expectation and building reputation across the board, ace-ing the procedures, having good relationship with the nurses and my bosses. Being aware of the bipolar tendency in me, I knew that the feeling was too good to last. I expected this to come, the inevitable dip.

This is it. I am in the hole. I cannot perform. One year and a half completely out of neonates and I have lost all the sharpness and sensitivities related to babies. I know I used to be good. Using my past self as the standard that I should reach now, which I am no where near, I am my biggest critique. I am disorganised, slow and hesitant, I doubt my own management plan, I attempt procedures expecting to fail, I let other people make myself feel inadequate, I cannot get over every small mistakes that I make everyday. It is dark over here. But I hope other people are seeing the tough, stoic face that I intended to put up. 

It does not help that several babies have died under my care in the short one month that I have started. The babies actually died, not one, but several. That must tell something about myself as the doctor. 

It does not help to feel I have to step up and impress at every occasion, now that the bosses are aware that I have signed up for the clinical exam, which would mean that I feel myself to be ready to perform as a specialist. 

I hope this is transient. I am trying to improve everyday. It is just if this dark cloud goes away, I can be a little more constructive in this arduous process.


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