Monday, June 4

Examining life

Bearing in mind that I will be super free and relaxed for the next two weeks before I head back to KL, I went to the Manchester central library today to borrow a few books. The book I am reading at the moment is called Philosophy for Dummies.

I have actually done bits of philosophy in MARA College Banting as part of the Theory of Knowledge (TOK) subject in the International Baccalaureate programme. Fascinating subject, never had enough of it. I remember enjoying myself thinking hard to come up with coherent arguments in TOK. We debated lots of random topics on dream, sources of knowledge, abortion, the hudud law, pornography, languages, perception, ethics, first human landing on the moon etc. I only wish that we were allocated as much time to study TOK as math or chemistry.

I took this book today after having an interesting conversation with Lizz yesterday on metaphysics. Lizz is a medical student in Bristol who has just finished her intercalated degree on Medical Humanities and English Literature. I know in college many of my friends simply don't see the point of having such 'time-wasting' subject like TOK, and I can see why. Sometimes you can just go on and on arguing for ages without coming to any conclusion, or worse find yourself back to square one.

Personally I wouldn't spend years studying a degree on philosophy but it can be something very nice to think and write about in my free time. I recall when I was four or five years old, I was playing with a neighbour kid (HanHan) at the front yard, and soon her mother called his name and ask him to go back home. Then it suddenly occured to me the questions: Why am I me? Why am I not born as HanHan? What if I have my body but a mind of HanHan or vice versa? Why do I only call my own parents papa and mummy ever since I was born and not respond to other parents? I don't remember the moment I was born: Could there be someone else sitting in my body then? Why is it that I can control what I want to think and I can control my own body, but I can't control what HanHan thinks and does, or that of my sisters? And again, why am I myself, not HanHan or my other sisters? I ran into the house and asked papa these questions. He said "I don't know, you'll have to ask God". Well, he didn't mean it because our family don't believe in God. I didn't think much about it until college time when we study TOK. I've also been examining these things since my late teens by reading religious books (mainly on Buddhism).

Am I still the same person as I was at four years of age? Yes, because I've still not resolved those questions and no, because I'm different now in that I have opinions, skills, knowledge, life principle and more questions. Sometimes when I reflect upon what I've achieved in life, I couldn't believe that I am actually myself. Looking at my own reflection on the mirror, this person actually looks fairly pretty, confident, perfect almost, and she has proven to be rather intelligent, hardworking and ambitious. She simply couldn't be me! She is someone I've envisioned myself to be back in school. I want to be like her but... am I her now? Obviously yes, I have achieved my vision and I am her. But what now? Mmmm good question Yee Yen, what now? Maybe I should keep on refusing to believe that the person in the mirror and Yee Yen that everyone knows at this moment is in fact not myself.

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