Weary

I suppose it happens. I ask too much too often. But it isn't fair that I blame everything on myself. It is all about work. After all, for the past year, other than the 20 days or so of annual leave I took, I spent at work. That is more than 340 days at work in a year. We are required to work everyday including weekends and public holiday. It does take a toll and wears one off. Ward round is mundane, even for the patients and parents on short stay, and there are plenty of those in a working day. There are problems to be solved everyday and certain amount of distasteful jobs to do every few days. There is no scope for life outside work here at this place. 

I try to do my best at work though, I really do. It is not please the boss, not at all. I am privileged to be able to be in such position to help, to make a difference. The fortune teller said it is because in my past life, I had saved a drowning man. I am not particularly superstitious or religious, but I believe in karma and morality. Whatever good or bad things I do will eventually come back to myself or my family. But due to my inexperience and ignorance, sometimes, no, often, even doing my best is worthless. I make mistakes sometimes, including few medication errors, and that had been quite upsetting. Quite often I do become frustrated if I know things could have been done better for my patients, because of the action and decisions made by myself or others. But I have never and would never cry for my patient. There has to be professional distance. But I feel I ought to set even wider distance, never to allow patient issues affect me at all. Yet I do not see how that is possible - my life is work, and only work at the moment. Erasing feeling aroused from work equals no feeling, or so my logic says. Unlike in the west, the medical profession do not reflect much, we do not discuss feelings. That is just the working culture here. 

I do long for an acquaintance. Not necessarily a male counterpart. Just someone I can relate to and talk and vent for hours, a nice company to have dinner with. I spend most of my time outside work (for necessities like groceries shopping and dining) on my own. I am not embarrassed by that. But it does get a little lonely. Colleagues are nice enough, but I am not getting along well with a few. My wavelength and theirs are simple different.

You can say in some perspective that I am depressed. I cannot see the future. All very dark. I cannot see myself passing the next paper. I cannot see myself taking the next step getting out of this place.

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